Friday, June 13, 2014

From New Mums everywhere

*Disclaimer: yes this blog may upset, irritate or hurt some of you, but please if you fall into any of the categories of people mentioned below, do not go anywhere near a new mum. Especially one who looks like she hadn't had 2 months worth of sleep.

I am a 2 and a half month old mother and for those mothers who have just started this stage as well you know I do not intend to have all rosy happiness in this blog. This is a pure rant and nothing more!
Of course I am happy that I have a beautiful baby but ooooh! The perils one has to undergo the first few months is like hell on earth! And I am not even talking about the baby crying non stop, or the crazy late night feeds or the mountains of poop one has to clean up or the lack of months of sleep or being a complete emotional and physical mess; I am talking about the people around (who contribute in no way whatsoever to taking care of my baby or making me feel better in any way) who make my new found mumhood a living hell. And what kind of people are these you ask? Well here goes.

1) The easygoers
These are the singles, the just married and those who choose not don't have a baby quickly. They see you struggle day in and out with the baby with no sleep or a single moment to oneself and despite that say "wow! Having a baby is not so bad! It looks like fun!" People, having a baby is definitely not a bad thing but it is not easy excuse me! The baby doesn't go buy a coke, I feed it throughout the day, notice the clean diaper the baby is wearing? I cleaned up the poop and changed it, oh you see this beautiful new nightdress I'm in? I changed clothes at least a 100 times for each time the baby throws up on me! And the bags under my eyes? Oh it's not the latest in fashion,  I haven't slept for days and days. So no it's not easy so quit saying it is!

2) The advicers
This section is absolutely unbearable! It consists of the older generation aunties and some random uncles who shower you with the weirdest tips and tricks to look after the baby. Kind of like if the baby has a cough spin it in a circle three times and hold it upside down under a full moon sort of thing. Ok it isn't so corny but come on! Science has come a long way and I'd rather listen to an ENT specialist than blow air into my kids ears in order to clear them (yes, people do that!). These old aunties won't let you get out of bed with the excuse of rest, won't let you watch TV (women who just gave birth shouldn't watch anything! ), make you eat horrendous kashayams (medicinal mixes) and give the funniest, most supertitious methods to cure any sickness the baby has. Thank you very much but I'd rather have a doctor not a witch doctor look after my child.

3) The show offs
This group consists strictly of women who just want to make you feel like you have taken permanent residence in Hades. They would come around under the pretence of seeing your baby and then turn you green with jealously with talk about how awesome the outside world is. That kind of talk feels like you've replaced tissue paper with sandpaper for your privates. Here you are recovering from shoving a person out your below; looking very much like a beached whale and feeling pretty much like you belong in the stone age when this woman waltzes in going on and on about the tiny new clothes she bought, about the foreign trip she is going to take, about the awesome new restaurant she tried and about the latest movie she saw. Some even have the audacity to ask about the last movie we saw. Hmmm, well let me see, that would be a 4D scan of my son moving around inside me. There was action (he was super active), there was drama (I cried a river), there was romance (my husband and I embraced) and there was horror (imagining the baby coming out of me). Why don't you go catch up on that movie soon too hmmm?

4) The sticky sickly
Look, a new born has been inside the protective womb of the mother unexposed to anything bad until he or she comes out. A baby is extremely fragile and needs to be treated with care. And of all the people it is the extremely sick who never seem to get this. These guys may be coughing their lungs out, rubbing their eyes to blindness, snorting away putting pigs to shame and producing snot like a factory but no matter how drop dead they look and feel, they simply have to hold the baby! And since this is India and people get hurt super fast, you just grind your teeth into dust while watching an extremely sick person coughing much love onto your babys face. People if you are sick PLEASE do not touch babies. And do not be insulted if someone asks you not to either. End of the day, you gift the germs and walk away and I am left with a sick baby. It is not fun. Period.

5) The supermoms
These moms could well be the brand ambassadors for The Darvins theory of survival on steroids. I mean seriously how does one woman know everything about babies and their upkeep? One moment she would have a hungry, sleepy baby with a dirtied diaper screaming its head off, if you bat an eyelid, the baby would have a clean diaper, be fed and sleeping comfortably in his crib while supermama could be seen taking freshly baked brownies out of the oven for her 2 elder kids. These mums just constantly suprise you with facts and information about babies and everything under the sun regarding babies. You can't help but love-hate them. You find yourself hating them; secretly killing them in your head over and over for being so competent while you feel like a bumbling fool covered in poop and drool; yet you keep running to them for factoids about your child.  Can't live with them can't live without them really.

6) The fault finders
Now these people are seriously demonic! Know how every child is gorgeous to his or her parents? Well these fault finders say everything in the book to reiterate that warm fuzzy feeling you have in your head when you look at your baby. "Wow! She looks just like a boy!" "He has such a girly face. Don't ever grow his hair", "He looks like he's going to have bow legs", She's so dark! How will you get her married off? (A month old baby? Seriously?), "He looks like his grandfather, shame he wasn't a handsome fellow", "it's ok. A lot of girls are hairy nowadays".
If I want an opinion about my baby (which I don't) I will ask and only then need you open your mouth which in my frank opinion needs to be fitted with an enormous gobstopper.

The supermoms say that babies get a lot better after 6 months. 3 down, 3 more to go so until then, the above mentioned people would do themselves good to stay away from this sleep deprived new mama.


  1. Hi, It was an awesome article for all new mums out there (including me :-) ) would like to add one more point to the 6) fault finders : I have a beautiful baby girl 2 months old now and they comment "oh!! u ll have to try for second one to have a boy" Wat the hell!!!! Felt like bashing them on their face.... I don't understand in which zamaana these ppl r living in...

  2. Thank you so much! I'm so glad you liked my blog :) and oh yes! I totally forgot about the boy child dilemma! People talk like we control our chromosomes! Best thing is to ignore. The more we let such people get to us, the more irritated we are going to get is all. And congratulations on ur baby!! ♡♡

  3. Very humorous post..i understand perfectly.
    Well written.

    1. Thank you muchly suja! Sarcasm is an awesome way to vent out all anger!! :D

  4. Been there. I especially had a big problem with women who would gloat about how easy their normal delivery was (I had a c-sec) and how they were up and ready for a marathon within 24 hours of delivery. And then there are the ones whose breast milk would flow like a faucet...I believe I was one of those 'reluctant to be a mother yet' types (decided to bite the bullet 6 years after marriage ;-). A day after delivery I actually screamed at my sister who had two children by then, for not having warned me about the perils of having a baby so I could have decided against it (I blame it on my hormones). My poor sister was at a loss :D

  5. Hahahaha, very very sarky...."Hmmm, well let me see, that would be a 4D scan of my son moving around inside me. There was action (he was super active), there was drama.....". Good one.