Monday, June 16, 2014

Lessons learnt from (surprise) horror movies!

Friend or foe you would be privy to the fact that I eat, breathe and sleep the horror genre. despite being generally scared as hell and specifically scared to death of sleeping alone, I still find myself glued to anything and everything remotely related to horror. Contrary to popular belief, horror are not all about monsters, sex, blood and gore, they are actually quite educational! It's true I tell you. Right from "The Blob" (my very first horror movie) to "World War Z" (which I watched yesterday), all of these movies carry with it messages that can surprise, surprise be used to save yourself from some dire situations in real life as well! Don't believe me? Read on.

1) Listen to your kids
How many times have we seen this played out in most horror movies? Kids being the most receptive (read gullible) toward entities tend to make first contact while in a haunted house and by day 2 the following conversation ensues:
Lil girl: "mom! Mom! I have a new friend! His name is jodie (Amityville Horror) and he's a pig".
Mom: "you stupid girl! Who are you Dr.Dolittle? Don't you know pigs can't talk?  New pig friend I believe!"
So the little girl shuts up and stays put until her mom gets a little something from the demon and then the following happens:
Mom: "Honey! Your talking pig friend; ask it to go away!"
Lil girl: "nah! I'll ask him to stay around a little more so that you are fully convinced!"
Parents, listen to your kids. They may seem small and insignificant but theor innocence ensures that they do not twist reality. Your child may be trying to say something important to you. He/she could have been bullied,  molested, scared and instead of trying to brush aside whatever they say; sit, listen and understand. Trust me, we wouldn't want another Norman Bates on our hands now do we?

2) Never go anywhere alone
In the first place, why do you? Its not like you've been promised a million dollars if you walk around a haunted house alone is it (unless you're atop "House on a Hill"? You know a monster/ killer is going to jump out at you faster than you can say "let's split up"; so don't! "Always strength in numbers" the geek in every horror movie would say and then the popular, handsome football star with air for brains would disagree and obviously everyone would go with him and as always everyone ends up dead.
This is true in real life as well. Be it the movies, a childrens park or a goddamn puppet show, make sure you have a friend with you,  especially if it goes real late. Forget nights, crime doesn't rest even during the day.

3) Lend a ear to advice
If someone important, like say a rabbi or a priest or a shaman says "do not bury your pet in the Indian Burial Grounds" (Pet Semetary), "do not use Ouija boards" (Paranormal Activity), "do not buy that house built over burial grounds" (Poltergeist) quit being an idiot and just don't. These people have been in the business of good and evil far more than we ever have. So listen to good advice.
Similarly, If anyone tells you not to do something that even you feel is dangerous (but you want a joyride just for the thrill of it) don't go for it. The former may seem like a party pooper but hey you go ahead and be your foolhardy I'm-too-cool for-school self and chances are you might catch up in heaven or hell after a bit.

4) Keep your friends close
If a friend sacrifices himself/ herself for your safety, you can be rest assured that they are indeed true friends and will stay with you till the end. Come demons, hell or high water,  your trusty sidekick is going to be there for you always! (The Frighteners).
In life, those people who stay with you during your lowest are your true friends. Many would be by your side when it's all fun and games but come the serious stuff, they would vanish. Trust me, chuck them the hell out.

5) Do not bully 
Now look all of us would have at some point in our lives bullied someone. It may seem insignificant at the time but it would not be the same for the bullied. Sometimes the extent of bullying can take a huge toll on the person being bullied and they might just retaliate by let's say, burning the town down (Carrie).
So be kind. Be nice. Be understanding.  Because you'd never know where you will meet your prey next. He might just end up being your boss. Or your daughters mother in law. Shudder at even the thought!

6) Make sure u finish off the bad guy
I hate sequels. It's just once in a blue moon that a good sequel comes up. And if by any rotten luck the sequel too is loved by the audience, then an entire franchise of sequels starts diluting in effect the essence of the first movie that started it all (Scream, Friday the 13th). So I would rather the hero/heroine finishes off the bad guy. You know that scene where the villan falls through a window and onto the lawn and is missing when the police turns up? I hate that! I feel like banging my head into non existence! Kill him off already!
In real life as well finish off all issues, problems, anything you have been procrastinating and you will feel oh so light and free. Keep it pending and you'll have a sequel in your afterlife and we do not want that now do we?

7) Never take up a strangers offer
So a cab driver approaches you and says "I'll give you a ride to a super pub. Even throw in a couple of drinks" don't go all happy tourist and jump in. You steer clear. The cabbie could have been saying (translated): "a couple of free drinks in exchange to have you carry Satan's spawn!" (Devil's Due). So no even if they throw in a million dollars and a penthouse just saw "nah ah" and sprint off to someplace that has a lot of lighting and maybe a priest and holy water handy.
At a party, at the movies,  travelling, you need to be wary of strangers. I mean come on being jovial is one thing, but happily gulping down a drink a random guy bought you at a seedy pub is stupidity beyond belief. So be careful. Be alert and always know when to say NO!

And finally

8) Be armed
Watch any zombie movie (Dawn of the dead, Resident Evil, 28 days later, Zombieland). Apart from ravenous never ending zombies what else do you notice that seems never ending in all these movies? Yep, weapons and ammunition. Of course there would be constant talks about running out of weapons, food and gasoline but they never seem to run out do they? But hey I can't fault anyone here. The hero pack has to survive the zombie horde so bring on shotguna ( a fav in all zombie flicks) machetes and baseball bats. And funnily enough, there are always empty guns stores chock full of all the latest and greatest in ballistics and right where the hero/ hero group would find it. Convenient!
This one is for all my lady pals. Keep in your purse anything from a super sharp pin/needle to filed nails, tasers and pepper spray at all times. So no matter what the attack, we may have a chance of defence.

Ha! Read this all critical relatives of mine! And you thought all horror movies did was rot my brain and give me constant willies! Ha!

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