Monday, December 6, 2010

The Bathroom Analysis

People and bathrooms are alike! Ok I know that sounded a wee bit weird so let me make it clearer for you…people can be distinguished by the way they keep and treat their bathrooms.

I for one love huge bathrooms with a lot of extravagance and maybe a walk in closet. A relative of mine on the other hand would not differentiate between a clump of grass from a bidet. The analysis? I love a rich lifestyle and my relative would not mind running for a pee into the woods!
We see so many kinds of bathrooms its really amazing that there are so many kinds of people living in this world! I have been to bathrooms that I would have loved to live in and those that I would definitely die in (and that’s not a good thing). But more or less there is a pattern that emerges here. There are quite a few similarities and below is my analysis*:

*The analysis has been sent to other analysts for further study. Apparently my assumptions alone are not good enough for this one!

=) Wet Bathrooms

This is one sick place to be in at the time. One definitely risks a broken jaw or a twisted leg in here. Water is lavish in this one and most of it is on the floor in huge puddles.
One slip and that’s that especially bad if the flooring is marble as it can pack quite a punch! I believe these people are masochists! They love hurting others and a lot of times, most wet bathrooms (if cleaned) would actually look quite nice. For some reason, owners of wet bathrooms love to ruin anything good in others lives.
Imagine this…you are in a beautiful house, eating great food and go into the loo expecting a goddess to wipe your bottom and end up face down after a nice slip (I have had an opportunity to do a splitz once! And it was not pretty!) You are disappointed and wet bathroom owners love that. Maybe they want to show others that they are not perfect as they seem and are totally normal people! Yeah well maybe a change of cushion covers would be more appropriate?

=) Stinky Bathrooms

This takes the cake this one! How many times have you walked into a bathroom and run out stuffing wads of clothing up your nose and screaming “Holy mother of god!”? Too many to count? Well, welcome to the world of the stinky bathroom owner! This owner would be the only one oblivious to the stench of his/her own bathroom.
I’m sure most conversation from friends and relatives would revolve around the various kinds of room freshners available in the market today! I mean you really can’t blame this owner much. He/she is just oblivious to this smell! He/she’s been with it for so long after all! This sort of person would have gaping flaws that are so “in your face” that other people would actually have to duck but would the person in question mind? Nah! He/she would be too used to it to even notice! Cloth clips anyone?

=) Sterile Bathrooms

A Monica in the making. This bathroom is so clean and perfect, you would rather rip off your butt than place it on the toilet. Such bathrooms disturb me. I mean they sparkle so much I would not know what to do with them! Everything would be in a pefect line, curve, stack or shape and one wwrong move disturbing the harmony of the room, would invoke the devil in the form of the sterile bathroom owner! I mean I really wonder where this person would do his/her business. Their bathrooms look brand new, like it was assembled just as my hand came to rest on the doorknob. It’s like walking through the vortex of clean and shine and torture! Too much white and bright really does ache at times people!
These folks are way strict with themselves and they’d rather use their sterile bathroom than make any changes in their strict, monotonous and habitual lives! And the word “change” to them is what “holocaust” would be to us sloppy folks! Next time I’ll bring my own clump of grass thank you!

=) Large and Small bathrooms

Has there ever been a moment when you walked into a bathroom and thought you entered a never ending cavern? Or have you walked into a bathroom and hit your face on the wall the moment you did? Ah! Well… the former is the large one and the latter the small one!
The former is built by people who need space and lots of it. Walk into a huge bathroom and trust me you don’t want to act all chummy with the owner…you may never get to see that bathroom again. Lots of room and breathing space and you have made distant friends with the large bathroom owner.
The small bathroom owner says bring on the love! Lots of closeness and togetherness is great as long as that does not happen in that one single bathroom! And maybe enough space so as not to choke would also be a welcomed change!

=) Mechanical Bathrooms

Ever picked up a dangly, silver tube off a bathroom wall and wondered what it’s for? This is the life of the Mechanical bathroom owner. This owner likes to be on top of the latest and greats mechanical bathroom toys to hit the market! This bathroom would resound of mechanical noises and buttons and tubes and silver instruments that would really remind one of the movie Saw and get one doubting the sanity of those who own that bathroom. These owners are just way beyond this life and planet. They actually belong on planet Mettaliccrap with the other metal lovers!
I really don’t use mechanical bathrooms. There is always the fear of peeing into the wash basin or stuffing one’s hand into the toilet in search toilet paper because they all look the bloody same! In two words repeated many times for effect…such bathrooms would just read “SUPERIORITY COMPLEX”, “SUPERIORITY COMPLEX”, “SUPERIORITY COMPLEX” and “SUPERIORITY COMPLEX”!!

=) Destructive bathrooms

These bathrooms have everything in tatters. From the missing stopper for the flush to the broken tap and the cracked tiles…it looks like an aftermath of World War 2 or something. Try to take a tissue off the holder and rather than the tissue, the holder comes off your hand, try to flush the loo and everything gets flushed except the toilet bowl.
Such bathrooms reek danger! The owner is a psycho maniac who gets up every morning wondering what to break next! If you don’t want to end up like a broken flush, you would do well to steer clear from this character!

=) No Essentials Bathrooms

There are some bathrooms that look neat and tidy and sweet. So one craps in piece…erm…peace and then reaches for the toilet paper…only, there is no toilet paper. Ok no problem…water always help, so you switch on and wait for the spray but only, air comes out and maybe 2 drops of water. This is the eternal sheol of the No Essentials bathroom.
Owners of this bathroom make the outer shell look all peachy keen and lovely while the core would be as rotten as the teeth of a 4 year old on a candy diet! Falsity is their name and hiding it well is their game! I would not want these people as my friends at all! Imagine you ask for a pen to write with and they hand you prettily wrapped dynamite all lit and set to blow!!! Gawd forbid!

=) Glaring bathrooms

There are times when I have walked into a bathroom and become blind. The colours people dab on are atrocious! Imagine a bathroom coloured neon yellow???? Eurgh! I love reading in bathrooms and that one time, all I saw held in my hand was a solid block of neon yellow! I always wonder if the owners are actually able to crap correctly into their bowls…one is so blind, anything from the neon vase to the medicine cabinet looks like a toilet bowl!
Glaring bathrooms SCREAM insecurity and those who own glaring bathrooms are constantly on the lookout for attention and if they don’t get it, they just open their bathroom doors! So the next time you need to potty, make sure you grab a pair of huge shades if you want to come out unscathed!

There were more disgusting types of bathrooms that I could have listed, however I had to bow down to the immense respect I have for those reading my blog. Be happy I didn’t put in the others! 
The next time you walk into a bathroom do remember the above mentioned classifications! You could be a regular analyst in the making! 


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Tats one hell of a comparison Teenu... but one thing, you haven't mentioned your type of bathroom, I would like to know tat:)