The OTHERS

Despite what the title reads, this blog contains no ghosts, no haunted mansions, no headstones buried under piles of leaves and certainly no Nicole Kidman.

“The others” are whom I’d like to call those individuals located outside the circle of marriage. Let me take you through the 3 circles of marriage first so as to throw some light:

=) The circle of marriage: This circle is the innermost concentric consisting of ones hubby/wife, kids and extremely close knit friends.
=) The circle of family: This circle is the outer rim of the 1st concentric and consists of all close knit and direct relatives of the girl and well as guy
=) The circle of eternal nonsense and useless garbage: extremely distant relatives (mother’s uncles cousins sons daughters grandfathers sisters…well you get the drift), shitty neighbours, loud mouthed bitches and everything that falls into the mentioned categories.

The others I am talking of in this blog are the direct relatives of the proposed guy. Now unless they are sweet and lovable I would have just about no qualms in shoving them headlong into the third stinky circle. And just my luck, I seem to get a lot of others who are themselves dying to get thrown into this particular muckhole.

Now how does the perfect proposal go? The guy and girl who treat each other as equals meet up at a nice little cozy coffee shop and have a nice open about their expectations about married life…but this is India and perfect proposals as such are hard to come by if not impossible.
Instead we have tons of “others” who interfere with the proposal in everyway possible turning it so horrible, it becomes a regular market place with the proposed boy, girl and the parents going round and round in circles blind folded and banging into everything to the tune of “3 blind mice”!

I have been a victim to no end and have bruised my knees and stubbed my toes so may times my pedicure takes hours on end!

The "others" tend to think that they rule the circle of marriage, that they are the influencers and some even go to the extend of thinking that one nod from their majestic noggin is enough to sound off the trumpets of love (more like morose organs at a funeral!)

I had this one proposal that I actually did like and that too after a long time! He was smart and EMPLOYED and looked pretty fine (slightly podgy...but i never go for looks...well maybe a little :)) AND even spoke well! Now this is a combination that’s hard to come by and it finally came! When conversations with K started stretching to hours on end, for a second I actually thought “well there goes my blog!”

The guy was in Dubai (as most mallu proposals are!) and so were his parents. (I find the “leave” situation in Dubai hilarious! Imagine, the guy will not be able to get a leave in case its not a very interesting proposal, however, if the girl is a tad bit toward the good looking side, then along comes 2 months of leave!)
Anyway I’m diverting here so let’s get back to K.

So we talk and talk and I actually come to like this guy. I really wanted it to work, though I did get singledom pangs now and then!

My folks love playing high stakes and they went ahead and struck a deal with the guy's parents! As both the guy as well as his parents were in Dubai, his one and only SISTER would come to judge me in the “I-wanna- get-married-to-your-brother-please-pick-me-for-i-am-a-complete-desperado!” pageant.
Ok this was going to be a little tough...apparently word had spread that I had gained weight and this was going to a problem (Once my mum got wind of this, she screamed at me like I had won the world sumo wrestling championship or something!) Anyway I didn’t give 2 hoots because I thought the guy was going to be just fine.

I saw a couple of snaps of the SISTER and she seemed nice enough.
When D-day came I put on my best smile, my blackest of black salwaars and hoped that my pearly whites would distract her from my flappable love handles.
We have a decent conversation peppered with some “why are you not having anything?” “Please eat something”! Stuff and nonsense really! My mum added to the masala by dishing out the latest asanas that I practice to lose weight! (Thanks mum! Grrr!)

But by the end of it we were all smiles because it had gone ok. Oh boy! You know what’s coming don’t you?

That STUPID CRETATEOUS SNOT NOSE of a sister complained about me to her mum and in fact said I was really fat and not tall enough (K had all the grace and poise of a pregnant walrus and was 5’8”!!) And to top it off she said I was not his type! Lordy! That woman would not know a type eve if it hit her square in the face!

The saddesest part is that the guy actually did not even bother with my proposal anymore...I am secretly trying get his Dubai address. I am planning to send him a sweet little skunk trained in the art of squirting something nasty on losers only...so i guess the guy will get his due!

We later found out that the SISTER was one crazy psycho jealous bitch who is friggin self conscious and gives the goddess of envy some salvation to look forward to! So the nasty feedback was completely intentional but us wise bloggers do finish last folks!

My mum called up her mum and for once stood up for me! Here are a couple of classy dialogues mum dished out (BWAHHHAAA!):

a) If it is your daughter who is going to come and judge every single girl, then be rest assured that your son will never get married.
b) Oh come on! Weight is never an issue, atleast Teenu has a good face. Look at your daughter, even she eventually got married right?
c) We were never looking at guys with your sons qualifications, it is only because Teenu liked him. Anyway his loss!

You GO mum! She’s even decided not to let any more “others” come see me! Just the guy and no more mediators!

Hmmm…I think she’s anonymously been following my blog…I actually seem to have made a dent!!!