Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Stupendously Annoying Kids and how to deal with them

Sweet cherubs with loving smiles and playfulness so adorable it just makes one quiver! Who does not love kids? They are full of fun and laughter and not a day goes by when we don’t fail to say awwwww while looking at a bundle of cuteness!

But not all kids are cute. Not all kids are sweet. Not all kids remind one of cherubs.

There is a blood pack on the loose! A crazy mob of devilish children so sinister you would wish to personally strangle their parents! Its complete screaming, complaining, hair pulling, shin kicking madness all set loose into onto innocent earth!
Such kids disturb me! (Well, it in fact should disturb anyone!) And just because they are tiny and are considered fragile by the society do I refrain from pounding the devil out of them! There are a lot of people I know out there who want to get even with these cretins but can’t only because of the title “KIDS”!

But I’d like to take a leaf out of my friend J’s book about “Stupendously Annoying Kids and How to deal with them!” Well she has not written the book yet but I thought I would do her a favor and give her a jump start!
What I like most about J is that she sees every human being as an individual forgetting the age, sex and nationality! For her a kid is an individual as well and if annoyed she would jolly well react back as an individual would to another individual!

Oh come now! She does not go to the cruel extent of breaking a nose nor twisting an arm but boy does she get back good or what!!!

Example no:1

At the Beauty Parlor

J had accompanied another friend of hers to a parlor close by. Upon arrival she sees the entire floor and sofa littered with toys (very cheap quality as per her observation! Talk about plastic parrots and cows) and in the middle of the head sat a boy with a face so wicked, it would make Freddy Kruger scream for his mummy!
The brat had happily filled the seating area with his toys and anyone who dared to sit was rudely shoved off!
At this point, J pushed the kid’s toys to one side and sat down with a flourish. The kid was shell shocked! He had not managed to scare one sole person in that parlor! To get over the title relinquish, he started pushing J. J gave him a glare to freeze the red sea over, picked up his toys and dumped it all over him and moved it to the other side of the sofa.
Completely frustrated, the brat started changing the channels of the mini TV and increased the volume to a dull roar! All the patrons just watched dumbfounded! Finally his mum came over, whacked him with a huge brush and placed the remote on a shelf way beyond his reach. But will our spiderman give up? No ways! He scrambled on to the sofa and tried reaching for the TV volume knob kicking J in the process a couple of times! It took all of J’s self control to lash out and kick him off the sofa!

Unsuccessful, he returned to banging on J’s foot with his plastic fan! J was beyond herself!
As she left the parlor, she coolly kicked a couple of his ratty toys to the farthest, darkest and most dusty corner of the room with a “Even if he searches the entire place till he has a child, he’s never going to find them!” (Followed by an evil triumphant cackle!)

Example no:2

At Church

It is at Church that most of the kids turn completely violent! It’s like the holiness of the place has summoned the Devil out of such kids!
So J was at church listening to a rather long sermon. It was a busy church day and everyone sat on the floor jam packed together, most of the crowd being adjusting and helpful. Not all though!
J felt a slight tug on her hair. Thinking it was an accident, she ignored it. Only when it repeated twice and increased in intensity did she turn around and come face to face with a 3 feet tall Lucifer! J grimaced and asked the kid not to pull her hair and well he did…again and again and again.
Getting quite angry, J shifted her shawl and covered her hair. But devils never give up now do they! The tugger turned focus to her shawl.
It was so stuffed that J could barely move and Lucifer sat like the world was his throne!
Having reached the brink of screaming obscenities J decided to take a drastic step.
She budged slightly from where she sat and luxuriously settled herself on the kid’s foot and did not move despite a subdued “OW!”
Accepting defeat the kid sat on his mother’s lap (who incidentally did nothing throughout the entire sermon!)
Score for J!

Example no:3

Getting even with family

Getting back at kids who part of one’s family is the most difficult but J has handled this one quite well!
So she has this cousin M who as a kid was the naughtiest cretin alive. She beating, biting and scratching everyone in sight and even went to the extent of pretending to give a kiss, then biting the daylights out of the poor kisee!
J was on the receiving end quite a few times and she drew the final straw when her cousin played black cat and scratched the full length of J’s arm drawing a good amount of blood!
Despite the pain, anger and tears, J’s parents and relatives asked J to just “let it go” because her cousin was “just a kid!”
J is not one to back out so she just nodded and prayed hard to get her chance!
Which she did as soon as soon could be! The kid was asleep on her mother’s shoulders one day and J as nimble as a cat pranced forward., pinched her cousin as hard as she could and ran off into the sunset!
It took a while for the pain to register and when it did, the kid would not stop bawling!
And when did J get maximum satisfaction? Pretending to be all concerned about the boo boo while dancing a jig inside her wonderfully satisfied mind!!!

So go ahead enjoy yourselves a little with the simple tortures in life that are lent by bratty kids because sooner or later you would get a golden opportunity to wreck havoc right back!


  1. ha ha...superb teenu..i could actually visualise it...kinda flash back...but i am sure if somebody does this to our kids we r gonna finish them... :)

  2. Memoirs of T, I guess:)

  3. way to go teens... i like your blog. i have a feeling its going to help me exorcise this horrid mental ball of phlegm i have that's stopping me from writing.

  4. he he ... good philosophy on how to deal with them brats ....

  5. Miss J i am inspired by thy art of handling kids... and Miss T i am exceptionally "J" bout the way you've laid out the plot... you ought to be a writer... trust me... it'll be a best seller... kudos... probably i feel a bit of resemblance to p.g. wodehouse kinda way of writing :)
    P.S. - "J" - jealous

  6. Shucks... no wonder the child mortality rate is dropping so drastically! :P... I feel for you guys... but I feel for the kids as well... I know I was a serious handful... and so were a lot of the best people I know today... ok... it may be a stereotype... but there is something to be said about time and good fruit... or something along those lines? you're the writer... I'm the engineer... (or at least I pretend to be)...

    On a serious note...there was a study done on this in the US and India a while ago... society has change so much in the last 15 years in India that both parents can be professionals working 9 to 5 jobs... this leaves very little room for the kids to much interaction with them... save for after hours and the weekend... parents feel "guilty" for not spending time with the kids and leave them to "act out" will of course grow out of their system...

    But I suppose to get fruit you need to water it, give it good food and protection from the bad? ... in the meantime... nothing like a couple of more J's to help the missing parents keep the kids on the straight and narrow... if my kids are anything like that I will pay a few more J's to beat the little buggers if they step out of line!

  7. ha. well I'm the guy who held a cousin upside down, so that he would stop hitting all the other kids :P

  8. Iam juz visualizing the scene in Church How J s face will be like...