Saturday, February 6, 2010

Of SalesMums and Phoren fantasies

(This blog is a long one people. But do have the patience to go through it…real excerpts add major spice to this little pot of chili of mine!!)

What is it with folks and their obsession about all things “Phoren”? Just say for comparison sake one has a proposal X and a proposal Y:

Proposal X:

Handsome guy, earns an annual salary of Rs. 20 Lakhs, works in a top MNC in Mumbai

Proposal Y:

Handsome guy, earns and annual salary of Rs. 20 Lakhs per month (converted), works in USA.

Which proposal do you think most parents go for? Yeah, you guessed right: Proposal Y. And why Y? Because most parents event today are plagued with the “Phoren virus”. According to parents any guy settled abroad is a dream come true and the girl should just quiver with happiness at the mere thought of a guy settled abroad even glancing through her profile. As soon as parents hear that the guy is in the US, UK or Dubai (current favs in Kerala- though Aussie Land and NZ are not far behind), gone with the wind are any objections accepted on terms of looks, salary, bad breath and mallu English!

A couple of months back, an interesting proposal came my way as most interesting proposals do…
The guy was in the US. Studying apparently and thankfully this guy had a job! He looked like Sean Kingston on an uptight, tight arsed trip to a Museum of History, sticking his nose up at machine coffee and calling out for his cup of jasmine scented tea like so “Oh I do say Cedric old boy, I rather fancy a cup of my ever so calming Jasmine tea now in my silver sterling tea cup…”
The first thing that turned me off was that he was brought up in the US. Now I am not playing miss prissy perfect here, but I knew that my outlook would TOTALLY go their separate routes.
The second thing? His Mum! She gave my mum a run for her money! From the way she spoke to my folks, I was sure that the guy was being forced headlong into the proposal and he had no intention whatsoever to settle down soon and that he wanted someone from the US.
I voiced this to my parents but nooooo! The guy was from the US!! A whale of a catch! And I should give him a chance! Seems they heard a lot of nice stuff about him…from his mother of course!! I knew as usual this would mean another blog!

After I read a few mails his mum had sent my dad, I thought she should be given the “Best Salesperson of the year” award cos maaaaaaaan! Was she selling!! Please find below a few excerpts from her mail. I have not added much

- “I hope she likes X. I hope by this time Teenu would have recovered.
It was kind of challenge to me to prove to X, a girl grown up in India is
as good as or better than any girl grown up in US. So just to convince him
this, we would like them to communicate each other.
It is all God's doing that this matter is progressing like this despite the
initial hesitation. As I read her profile again, it added some more value to her.”

- “By that time all the good girls will be taken. Nowadays since both boys &
girls don't like much age difference, you may end up with older girls and if
the girls stayed unmarried till 27/28 they may not be that good".
He agreed & so we started looking for a girl.
He doesn't mind about the girl's complexion. But he prefers slim girls. I
told him that for the next generation, it is better to have a girl fairer
than him. (Complexion, he doesn't mind even now.)”

- “Another thing we agreed upon is that we will screen the family & status,
even though the last word is of the boy & the girl. The family of the girl
is very important since not only is he getting married to the girl, but to
the whole family & vice versa. The girl's family should be more or less
equal our family in social status, culture etc. and that they shouldn't have
a complex (inferiority or superiority) to associate with us. Since X has
grown up here, all these basics had to be explained to him. Still it is a
God's blessing to get the perfect match and so I pray to God to select the
right one for him.”

- “We like your daughter’s innocent look and smile. I am sure her English will
be as good as his to communicate with him clearly. As a father-in-law, you
also will not have any problem to understand him.
With her capabilities, she will not have any problem adjusting to the US
life. My another expectation is that since she has grown up with you all in
India, she will have our culture ingrained in her from the strong family and
cultural bond.
Honestly, I didn't notice in Shaadi that you were looking for a boy of
complexion: Fair.
Abe is about as fair as your son.”

- “X is born a gentleman.
X served as an Altar boy
X speaks Malayalam, but is more comfortable speaking English. X has tried
to maintain Malayalee ideals with the ideals he's learned at school and in
life away from home.
X likes to wear Brand name clothes and eats at fine restaurants once in a
while,... just like any other Indian boy brought up in US.
He doesn't have any bad habits that I know of.
You know how boys are, I don't like any of his photos I have with me. When I asked for current photos, he told me "boys don't carry Camera or take photos of themselves". When I asked him, what about the hair, cutting so short?, he said "I like it that way & if anybody likes me as I am, it is all right" .
What shall I say?”

- “He prefers a girl -- slim, 5'2"-5'7", Masters in Egineering, MBA or Medical Doctor.
We prefer Orthodox, but we don't mind choosing a girl from Orthodox,
Jacobite, Marthoma or Catholic denominations, as long as she is from a good
family, good looking, educated, loving, humble & of good character.
Now I have to push X to start communication..
I hope they will fall in love. It is God's choice.”

- About the cultural clash.
“As I wrote in his profile, he is a "pakka" mixture of both cultures.
How can anybody whose favourites are "meen varathathu", "Beef Ularthiyathu", "egg roast" , Poori, Appam, Chicken stew, Uppuma, Dhosa, ... in that order is not from our culture?
X prefers Fork & knife to eat Steak, Noodles, Chinese food..... but doesn't use them to eat rice or "uppuma" or "poottu" etc.

As an American:
Comparing to Indian men, American men respect women more. They like to dress neatly.
They are very straight forward in expressing their opinions. He has all these traits.
What he doesn't know about Kerala culture, we expect Teenu to fill in.
About American culture, X is a good guide for Teenu.”

Quite a load full huh? The above excerpts are exact and have not been changed in anyway except for the guy’s name and the font style. I was so appalled that my folks even looked past all her inflated ego and the “My son is god’s gift to women” and actually asked me mail him!! His crazy mother even had the friggin audacity to ask my mum to send her a pic of me in JEANS so that her son would actually believe that I am not the backward mallu that he thinks I could be!!!!

This got my blood boiling!!! I cut out the niceties with the guy (who was very hesitant in mailing me) and point blank mailed him: “X, when do you want to get married?”

His reply summarized the three points I had voice to my folks right in the beginning:

- He was being forced
- He did not want to settle down anytime soon
- He would gel better with someone in the US

I sent the mail to my folks who promptly tried to get on my good side by sending the mail to Salesmom. And the reply? It was a beauty!!

- “Last week, when X talked to me over the phone, he casually mentioned that it is not working..
I didn't say anything for few seconds..
He asked me Mommy, are you crying? Are you sad?? why you are not saying anything??
I said, nothing.. I am not crying... but I am very disappointed. Out of all the girls, I fell for this girl and my wisdom says she is the perfect match for you, but you are the one to decide, I will never compel you for something like this.

Teenu, please don't be upset. God would have already found somebody better than X for you. I am very sad for losing you and your family from our future. God has his own way. He does everything for a purpose.
If only I could show you face to face to X, the story would have been different.... but that didn't happen, even if I tried.”

GOD!!! Is there ever a limit to how much we girls have to endure for the sake of “Phoren fantasies” ???? Damn and Blast Miss Salesmum to the deepest cores of “I am out for SalesMum blood” Hell!!!!


  1. Gud one.. typical perception abt mallu's in "phoren" country.. hahaha.. [:)]

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Oh boy! This got my eyebrows hung high for a very long time babe....Btw, US stands for Utter Shit ;) take my word for it :P