Once upon a time there existed “The height of…” jokes…
Trust me on this though just because the story starts with “Once upon a time” does not mean it ends with a happily ever after!
Those who have not had the supreme opportunity of coming across the “The height of…” specimens, here’s a little peep…
Q: “What’s the height of noise?”
A: “Two skeletons making love on a tin roof!”
Q: “What’s the height of laziness?”
A: “A man waiting for an earthquake to help his love making!”
So you kinda get the drift now! Yeah there’s a bit of ewwww and a bit of yuuuccck and a lot of OMG! Next joke happening here!
Imagine if one became the butt of such jokes? I mean just imagine the amount of trauma that one would have caused in order to have a “heights of” joke dedicated especially to one? Trust me! A lot!
So yeah it all starts off with a proposal. There I was at home enjoying a much deserved two weeks of holiday, which is quite rare! I had about 2 more days of rest and relaxation when out springs the trap! A 31 year old guy was coming to see me. He had sent a couple of photographs all of which looked like the Taliban were closing in on the poor guy saying “Smile! Or we’ll blow your head off!!” And sure I’m no Greta Garbo but come on! I sure deserve someone who looks a little better than a chubby Abe Lincoln on a bad day!
But what the hell…I had to keep my folks happy and I needed a bit of amusement myself. So I gave the go ahead (as if they wouldn’t bring him along if I didn’t give it!) and the day before I was to return to work, V** (**Lets keep the poor guy anonymous now shall we?) was to descend from the heavens!
This one time I noticed that my folks did not pile on the food. It was a simple affair with a wine and plum cake starter, followed by a chicken salad sandwich entree and chocolate cookies and coffee for dessert. I thought it was all smartly done and this one time I had to hand it to my mum!
V had almost reached my doorstep and that was when I realized that I had paid absolutely no attention whatsoever to the endless triad about the proposal because I had no friggin idea what the guy’s name was. The cherry on this magnificent icing? My mum had no idea either!
Trivial matters…the above, for Mr. Cool and confident took heavy strides and with a well practiced grimace passed off for a smile, pumped my hand up and down with a “Hi! I’m V!”
So began the pleasantries!
Five minutes into the conversation confirms the fact that my parents had lost their proclivity for digging in for information- The guy did not have a bloody job! He was what you call…shudder…Unemployed! I was shocked and in a rather “touch-me-with a-feather-and-I’ll-faint” state when I heard a short conversation between my mum and my sis:
“Mum! The guy is unemployed!”
“So what? He’ll find a job soon!”
I mean COME ON!!! I for one am not reached the heights of desperation! Mr. no job had “Research scholar” in bold in his profile as confirmed by his dad during a casual conversation with mine. Apparently my folks “ASSUMED” that since the guy was conducting research, he would also be working side by side! Intuitive parents I have eh?
Ok! So I recover after 15 minutes of bees humming in my ear and I ask him oh! So politely (as I was trained to!) “So…you’re studying then!”
V answers with a large, rather plastered smile of pride “Oh no! I stopped that as well…my mentor was a pain so I didn’t want to take it forward!”
Did I mention that apart from no job and practically nothing to look forward to future wise, the guy had an accent so bogus that he sounded like he tried to eat 3 bananas sideways and they got lodged in his mouth!!
At one point I almost asked him “Could you please spit what’s in your chops and then resume the inane conversation??”
No work aside, and the cotton mouth routine, the guy happily admits that he is a cheapskate and does not spend money even if his butt were held under an open flame! And here’s something insulting dear MCP V about us ladies:
Foot in Mouth No:1
=) I definitely hate women who shop every week! I sure hope you are not one of them!
Foot in Mouth No:2
=) I really think that women who dress up and match their bags and shoes and things are really dumb. They have no intelligence whatsoever.
Foot in Mouth No:3
=) I liked a photo of you wearing a saree. You looked like wife material. I just don’t like obvious beauty!So i came to see you!!!
I think it was around this point that my mother removed the knives and forks from the vicinity…else that bloody MCP would have gone home looking like a cutlery cabinet!
OH MY GOD! Just imagine! After all this shit my folks still sat around deciding whether to say no to the proposal or not!!!! How daft has the world become!!!!!
Which takes me to my "Heights of..." dedication to dear sweet V:
Q: What’s the height of pain in the ass?
A: A 31 year old,Cotton mouthed, unemployed, MCP jackass who wants to get hitched so that he could split the housework with his wife!!!