Tuesday, June 29, 2010

"Ka-Ching" and all that crap!

I just can’t get over how troubled we Indians become about money when it comes to marriages! “A simple wedding for 50” sounds like “the bride and groom got married naked inside a pig sty” to those aunties and uncles who live to measure every paisa put into an Indian wedding!

I know of families who take out huge loans in order to conduct the wedding in a grand manner and then live the rest of their lives in utter despair paying up those loans. I mean…why all this fuss for a union of two people for the better or for the worse??

And the money flows not just for conducting the wedding…there’s a little factor that goes by the name “DOWRY”! All those who have heard that word put your hands up!
Make no mistake, the word has evolved throughout the years and is now the official “gift” that the bride’s family gives the “bride” (actually groom) for “her” (actually his) use. There are weddings that break off just because the bride’s family is not able to meet up to the gift demand from the groom’s family. I mean if the guy is so in need of money don’t get married because that in itself is a huge expense!
Even now the elite speak about dowry and a bride is measured inch for inch from the amount spent on her wedding attire (not to mention for the other functions) to the carat of each sparkling diamond and the richness of each grain of pearl around her neck.

There was even an incident wherein the groom’s mother actually measured each piece of jewellery before even letting the bride into the house. I think we have moved slightly away from exploding stoves and poisoned food. That’s the good part. The bad part? Its moved toward exploding cars and poisoned champagne.

Let me tell you about a little incident I have gone through that has presented me with balls so huge, I could spit on the face of any moron who asks for even a pai of dowry.
So check this…it all starts with a proposal. The guy seemed ok except for the fact that he seemed surgically attached to his car. I mean the dude had his car with him in every single photograph! Made me think real weird but hey we have to give fetish space to everyone and that includes proposals!

So this one gets to the point of “ok-so-let’s-get-married” and I am really excited about the whole thing. It’s been two days of chit chatting and alls going well.

Did you know that there was a saying “nothing good or bad can stay that way for more than two days?” (OK fine there’s no such saying I just made that bit up!)
Anyways on the third day he did a Christ and rose up from his torpor and claimed that we were just not right for each other. I was taken aback because the previous two days showed no sign of any such negativity toward our relationship. The man was not even being logical about the whole thing. He just gave me the blow.
But my nose, well trained in proposal matters, smelt an awfully rotten fish! I called up my mum and explained the incident. To my surprise she started laughing! She said she expected something of the sort from the guy’s side. Schumacher’s dad had called mine in the morning and blatantly announced that he wanted to discuss the dowry. My dad being all sweet and polite said something that came across as “No dowry, just gifts for my daughter” By which he meant “Yes we will indeed give dowry.”
The guy’s side however got it all wrong and as a result, the call from the guy!
I was apoplectic with rage! To top it off, my mum said that she was getting hazaar missed calls from the ex would be. I knew my mum had a wicked idea when she hung up quickly. After about 5 minutes she called in breathless!
She was hooting with laughter! Supposedly she told the guy that my dowry was Rs. 1.5 crores!! And the guy hung up quicker than quicksilver with a lame “er…I’ll just call you back aunty!”

Like clockwork the money hunger loser calls me up! Shamelessly he apologizes for saying no to me in the first place and that over the next 10 minutes he’s realized that there would be no one better in this whole wide world to be his wife than me! I LOST IT!

I screamed so hard into the phone, even my ears started ringing! I told him what a miserable, moolah hungry moronic ass he was and that even if I were forced to marry a hyena I would do so gladly than even consider talking to him! The guy was dumbfounded of course! I called him everything from a six toed sloth to a spineless jellyfish and everything in between (I didn’t want to insult the animals but I didn’t have a choice!)

He hung up quick enough. I called up my mum and we had a good laugh about it.
But the sheer shamelessness of the guy and his family shook me bad! How cheap can people get?

I dare any proposal to bring up the topic of dowry…I have stocked the “meeting room” in my house with everything from knives to guns and poison darts and if one likes a slow death, paper clips! Just say the D word…I so dare you!


  1. I dunno the rest of the world!!

    But i feel so thank ful to the guy!

    He has showered away my sins and guilts!

    I had this huge thing that I was a bad guy!! But after this!!

    M St Antonious Baby! With a Phd in Virtue!

  2. LOL! LOL! LOL! Ur mom is soo cool... And yes, I hate the Dowry word too...

  3. hi i ws jst passin tru..jst wntd to say tis ::umm not all guys r tht bad..but frnkly.tr r peple who wnts to make a name for themselves..b4 askin a gal to be his world..but frankly time passes by and..all t gals around gets married..otrs luk if t guy is rich enuf ..not many gud gals r left..and we end wit morons...

  4. I have no clue how I stmbled upon this blog! But awesome I dare say...very well written indeed! That was one hecka written piece. Ravi Shanker Menon

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  6. atta girl!! let the guys pay dowry for us if they have to!! :)