The Cursed gift

Forgive me if i sound like a clichéd spidey movie BUT…I know for a fact that I have a gift and a curse.

When it comes to proposals…I am eternally detached and completely devoid of human emotions. It’s not like I phase into a werewolf at the mention of bharatmatrimony or chavaramatrimony (The complete mal matri site!) but I turn off being human and become this…Zomboid (Zombie+Humanoid). I don’t know how it is but I would for one minute be jabbering happily with my mum over the phone and suddenly, out pops a myriad of names: Jaimon, jomon, jesmon and lotsa other mons who have graced my life and then ZAAAAAAAAP! WHOOOOOOSH! I am a zomboid! All I hear are my mums shrieks when it finally sinks into her that I am not listening and then the slam of the phone with an “I don’t know what to do with this girl” as an attachment.

Sometimes, I feel no pulse at my wrists and my heart feels so still, for a moment it’s like I am in a twilight zone or a character in a Stephen King novel. I don’t know why this happens. Maybe it has something to do with how excited my mum sounds when she describes each dumb proposal. Or maybe it’s the fact that another long fight session would ensue in a matter of days between my mum and me. Or maybe it’s the fact that I have to stop being me and start being whom the guy wants me to be. Maybe it’s because I have to answer the guy’s call no matter how dumb, obnoxious, rude, cunning or crass he turns out to be.
Maybe it’s because I have to do everything to please the guy, forget the fact that I hate him. Maybe its because my mum discards quite a few great looking salwaars of mine when a particular proposal does not happen (I have mentioned this weird habit before!). Maybe it is because I know how desperate my parents are to get me married off and it seems they will settle for something that’s so not what I would be worth. Maybe I should stop with the maybes!

So how is it a gift and a curse? I have an extraordinary talent of distinguishing the nice proposals from the not so nice proposals (which my folks refuse to accept) and when the nice proposals come in, that’s when my zomboid state helps me the most! I put on such a charade that the guy just takes off like his tail is on fire! My notion of a nice guy? One who gets to see though this charade of mine and see me for the person I am…
I am not sure when I will get married because that glorious rose-tinted effect that one’s first few proposals brings is so over by the time you shed tears and hold your exasperation in so hard for so long that your lungs feel good to burst!
My state I feel is sometimes a curse…I feel I have lost the qualities of love, trust and patience. I do miss those emotions. I do wish I had them. I do wish to get married…someday. I DO…but not to a MON puh llllllleeeeeeeeeez!!!