I am an honest person to a large extent. And honesty compels me to admit that I have put on weight. Not put on weight like how Veronica Lodge gets onto the scales and screams “Daddy! I gained 5 pounds!” When I get onto my weighing scales, the scales scream “Daddy! Save me!”
So yes, the years of glorious food have been good to my taste buds and not to my figure and being an avid food blogger has not helped either. And whilst I wallow in self-pity and indulge in even more fat content boosting activities, I can’t help but notice how people around me react to my weight…each in their own irritatingly unique manner and almost always it isn’t pleasant! So the least I could do was put together a list of broad specimens and their reactions to fab flab!
1) Shoulder to chew on
Let’s start with positive stuff! This person is your best friend! Your sandwich buddy! This person
is the one who punches anyone who dares call you fat! The one who responds to your call for a
scoop of butterscotch ice cream with a family pack of butterscotch ice cream, complete with a
thick caramel swirl, dulce de leche sauce and no nuts because they know you in and out; all this
from your favorite ice cream store…well you get the drift. This person loves you no matter how
many scales you tip and how many seams you rip (see that little rhyme I made!?) and
considering the number of food joints you guys will be hitting together, the tipping and ripping
activity will be done together as well! But who cares! You two will roll around like two happy
little doughnut holes (and here I am talking about fat shamers!); on a glorious world that is the
most delicious unicorn grilled cheese sandwiches. (ok. I’m actually hungry now).
2) Empowerers and the Gimmes
This group consists mostly of women and they just want you to eat. In fact they urge you to eat
and be yourself to the point you eating out of sheer fright of disobeying them! I love being told
to be myself and to eat what I want and to do what I want but you know what? There are times
when I really am not humgry (I am human ok!) and even then the empowerers pounce and say
GIRL! If you want to eat you bloody well go and eat now! Get off your butt and go eat! Enjoy!
Celebrate! Don’t give a bleep! EATTTT! NOWWW! Gulp!
The Gimmes also try to make you feel good by saying stuff like "oh you're sooo lucky you have such huge boobies! You're huge bum is amazing! I wish you could transfer some of your weight to me! I'm sooo skinny!" Honey, I wish I could transfer all of it! Now shut up and eat that doughnut!
The ASSumers make me stare at them a lot. Mostly in disbelief and mostly because as the name
suggests, they assume a lot of things and they make complete ASSES of themselves. So
apparently because I am fat, I am assumed to have high cholesterol and PCOD and diabetes and
eating disorders and probably everything else assumable. “What? You have low BP? I thought
you were on medication for high BP”, “Oh my god! Pills for diabetes so early in life…oh they are
tic tacs huh? Hee hee” Like seriously how much more of an ass can you be? Atleast I don’t fall
into the same category as you…I don’t have to assume…I KNOW for a fact that you’re an ASS!
Do the fat jokes never end? On one hand yes they are hilarious and rather brilliant but on the
other hand, have you seen your own face in the mirror? I’m happy that my rotundness has given
your life some meaning but dude seriously have you seen your face? Half the guys (I say guys
because it’s mostly guys who have made fun of my weight; girls have too but it’s mostly guys)
who make fun of weight have such obvious physical, emotional and mental flaws, they are
begging to be called out! And sometimes, I do call them out…and I sure am not subtle; thusly,
things get ugly and so I try to dish it out the least nastiest way I can because even that little bitty
burns like a man-o-war. Let me tell you this, I have so many yo mama jokes going on in my head
about you right now, Wilmer Valderrama would declare me god! Don’t mess with the fat girl
hon…spend your energy fixing that nasty burn instead!
5) The yesteryears
The world is black and white to these folks because boy! do they like to coddle themselves with
some good ol reminiscence. They behave like my life is some science fiction movie where my fat
future self has gone back in time and killed my skinny past so that a perfectly proportioned
present does not exist. I’m telling you they are one step away from telling me “come with me if
you want to live!” I mean they go and on about how thin I was when I was younger, how little I
ate, how much I used to work out, how I hated the words junk food…the list is endless. Ok
listen…this goes two ways. I can talk about how uncle used to have so much hair before or how
about aunty had such an unlined face or about how their daughter never used to date like it was going out of fashion or how their son never had only naked chicks on his mind. Do I do that? If the answer is no, then take A HINT!
Mind you I have a lot of these folks in my life. The kind of friends who pretend to be super sad
and upset that I am gaining weight but are secretly having “quinoa-blueberry-chia seed pudding
parties” celebrating my weight gain! They sit beside your sorry self, “soothing” and “calming”
your fat frazzled nerves saying “oh sweetheart! We’ll go running! We’ll start a diet! We’ll join a
gym” and the very next day the “WE” sends us a poster to an all you can eat buffet. Who does
that? Who does that? Frenemies that’s who! And I don't even want to talk about the back biting and bitch fest that happens "like oh my gawd, did you see how far she looked in that dress?" If you have an excess of this character in your life,
make like a plastic surgeon and cut them out!
Oh but I forgot about these creatures who are even worser than frenemies! The salescrows are
an abundant species hovering at just about every single clothing store. They stick their scary
sales butts right at the XS-S-M section, twist their face into a grimace, stretch out their arms
and scare away any plus size folks who would dare come anywhere near the teeny tiny clothing
crop! I once made the mistake of looking at a medium kurta at a well-known brand store and
the sales person all but call the security on me. Hey we fat people have dreams too you straw
filled idiot! Hope that stick up your butt stays in forever!
Don’t let the name get you in a tizzy peeps, we have all met atleast one of this variety at any one
given point in our lives I assure you! Presenting , the Walking, Talking, Portable Gym and Diet Table. This person makes you do butt clenches while they force feed you a fat free leafy salad,
while make you pump a 2 litre bottle of water while doing sit ups while recording all that on
their fit bit while they do butt clenches along with! They are akin to sensor lights; the moment
you pass by they switch on and start reciting the exercise of the season or the best diet to follow
or start on butt clenches again…sigh! I know you’re trying to help and sometimes it works
because I too get into your crazy fervor and my pizza is left half uneaten and that rock that butt
clench…until you leave that is.
9) Kith, Kin- Kill
Relatives! You can’t live with them, you can’t bury them in a garbage heap without spending a
lot of time regretting jail. Your kin really know how to rub it in your faces because they know
what really gets to you! Like for example “remember that proposal that said no? It was because
you are fat!” blunt, “So many girl cousins to get married after you. Ingane vannam vechu irunnal
mathiyo?” blunt, “How did you get so fat? Look at our family pictures! You look bigger than the
aunties!” blunt! Does murder out of sheer rage count for self defence?
- Hugging you out of affection but to check for fat afflictions
- Portion sizes that are inversely proportional to one’s body size
- Constant comparisons to every living creature that is thin (even animals) - Sharing fat woes to her close friends and your close friends
- Sharing your weight gain tales with the tailor
- Sharing weight gain tales with actually anyone
- Taking out your wedding clothes and sighing
- Refusing to stitch you any more clothes
- Then stitching you clothes that emphasize the weight (because well the poor thing tries to
cover up big huge me and it doesn’t work!)
- Giving you the look
P.S if the look melted fat, I would have made a fortune times ten!