Thursday, September 18, 2014

8 ANNOYING people at the movies

I love watching movies. I mean, who doesn't? And watching movies at the theatre amidst the smell of popcorn, plush seats (if I manage good tickets) and an enthusiastic audience is such a treat!
But of course there are times when movie going loses its charm due to certain characters present in the audience. Somehow these people seem abundantly bestowed with "qualities" that are irritating to ones marrow! And most often these "qualities" rear their ugly heads best when their carriers enter the theatre!

Irritating people at the cinema are a dime a dozen. They parade themselves right from the entrance to the theatre all the way till the movie is done and you are back home feeling thoroughly irritated.

The below given list puts to number the types of annoying people one might find inside the cinema hall. It's a helluva long list so, we'll deal with the ones outside the hall later.

1) The siamese twins

Who are these people you wonder? Well, none other than those who seem to have their phones genetically attached to their ears like siamese twins. They are easy to spot though one would hardly be able to see their faces what with it drowning the bright glare of the phone light. Just when a good scene pops up on the screen, their phone rings and rather than a call back, they pick up and start a conversation in such loud tones! In the end, the entire theatre would know more about Susheela auntys shenanigans with the attractive next door neighbour rather than what happened in the movie. In one such instance, a lot of people started complaining and the siamese twin actually had the gall to say "shut up! Can't you see I'm on the phone?" Seriously! He was promptly thrown out.

2) Movers and Shakers

There you'd be sitting in a comfortable seat, happy as a clam when the entire row starts shaking. Oh my god! Is it an earthquake u wonder! Looking down the row however you realize that next to you is a M and S. These are the people who just can't seem to sit still no matter what. They have to keep shaking their leg or jiggling their arm or placing their foot on the seat in front of them and scraping or just doing a bangra in their seat. These people annoy me the most! No matter how many times u tell them to quit it and they say ok will do and in a matter of seconds they just start up right again like a Duracell bunny!  The most annoying part is that it is a cultivated habit and takes much more than an elephant sitting on such people to make them stop.

3) The eager student

The eager student is always looking to learn. They would be right by your side asking you questions faster than  a certain anchor on times now. Every word, every action, why even if the heroine lets out a sigh they would belt out a string of questions centered around the sigh. We all may have experienced this a 101 times from some of our friends. To an extent that's ok because friends are after all friends. But imagine experiencing this from a complete stranger? My cousins and I had once gone to see Batman and there was a 40 plus man sitting next to me. Right from the moment the curtain was raised he started his questions. Of course he didn't understand a word of English so basically i kept playing translator! Why is the curtain raised so slow? Why are there so many commercials? does this man like only the colour black? Why is he talking like he has laryngitis? Why does nothing ever happen to him? Why is the sherrif always by his side? And it went on till intermission when I switched seats with a rather hefty cousin of mine and the questions promptly stopped.

 4) The "Get a room"

This is what you would be dying to scream at the teenage couple fervently making out in the row right in front of yours. Most often these lip lockers manage to find seats in some dark corner; but there are times when they get seats smack in the middle of everything. The funny thing is that seating issues in no way deters them from their ONLY goal. So here I am trying to make sense of what the hero is saying or dying in suspense awaiting the next scene when everything is gloriously destroyed by smacking, slurping and crazily bobbing heads of hair that keep blocking the screen and cutting off the actors. Seriously!! GET A ROOM!!

5) The "butler did it"

You know how some movies are so awesome that people watch it twice? And you know how those people who watched it the first time keep saying "do you what's going to happen now?", "the villan is actually...", "the movie doesn't end this way"? And you know how some people actually reveal the whole thing after the actual tease? Yeah. Those are the "the butler did it" variety! The worst are those who break the big suspense on Facebook, Twitter and every other media possible! Maximum reach eh? Well, here's some advice, If you want to bust the bubble, wear various disguises, gawk right into the mirror and keep saying everything you want to say to THAT stranger in the mirror!

6) Loud Chewers

I cannot get through a movie without popcorn and some coke. But there are those who take snacking in the theatre to the next level. Not only do these people fill up their seat with snacks (with several snacks toppling over to the neighbouring seats), they chew like they are competing with the shark in Jaws for "the best chewing award"! Loud crunchy noises, unnecesary crackling of plastic wrappers, eat splitting slurping noises and what not. And at the right places too! A scene would probably unfold this a way:

Hero: "I cannot marry you because.." CRUNCH!!!
Heroine: "No! I am going to..."
Hero: "what I am about to say next is the truth, I..."

Don't tell me you haven't been through this at all!

7) Tiny tot ahoy

Ok, I know I fall into this category but I have yet to take bugaboo to the movies so I still have the right to rant! Ha! Now it's not all kids who behave like they are insanely high on sugar. I have seen kids who sit in their seats, eat their snacks and watch the movies in peace. Then there are those pint sized perils who create such chaos, people are literally driven nuts before the interval. They run around the aisles, make so much noise bickering, throw popcorn around, stamp people on their feet and well kind of turn the hall into a mini circus. And funnily, their parents usually do nothing. Maybe they're just too scared to let people know that they're the parents; waaay too much anger happening!

8) Gropy Groperson

Ah! All the ladies are bound to be super savy about this category. Gropy gropersons usually have a sick look about them. One look at them and your first instict would be to move as far away as your legs can carry you. Gropies can never stand to have empty hands. They have a constant need to "feel" and most often they target the Z axis on women. Hands and fingers inching toward you from the seat behind, a foot jammed into the space between your seat; yes we ladies go through hell to watch one movie!
The only way to deal with such sickos is to inflict as much pain as possible. I know of this one girl who felt this rotten gropies foot in between the space between her seat. She quietly pulls out a safety pin, grabs the offending food and jabs the pin straight in! Oh the blessed relief it brought her! Moral of the story never go to the theatre unarmed. Even rakishly long nails help as well. Pinch! scratch! Rip! Tear! Well you get the picture!

Watch out for these 8 annoybots the next time you hit the cinema, steer clear away and have an enjoyable movie session!

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