The House

Her fingers left a trail on the slowly settling dust
A glance thrown carelessly at the iron hinges gathering rust
A sweet, musty smell hung in the air
Memories cloying, coiled down like thick, dark hair
A pall of eternal gray seemed the palette of choice
where silence tip toed with disturbing poise
Her eyes took in the house where once there was life
She took in the rooms where she had once played a wife
How love was all she once knew
And how love into aching despair grew
When who she loved turned into a what
And everything became the opposite of what she thought
Was real, was right, was true, was fair
And life revealed itself; a crippling snare
A coward at first away she ran
Because pure black did her fiery fear fan
Afraid to stand up to, afraid to fight
and all it did was further smite
Her person, her heart, her mind, her soul
So broken, she thought she'd never again be whole
With each passing day she felt warmth leave
Her heart, until it was just an object to deceive
Her body into it thinking it was alive
When all it was doing was slowing taking a dive
Into an abyss where things lay forgotten
Her smile, her laugh and her love lay rotten
This house, a silent witness had stories to tell
Stories so putrid, they've begun to smell
Leaking foulness all around
Ghosts of her past began to surround
For a moment she shut her eyes
And became that timid creature who was despised
Beaten and broken and treated like a whore
Her eyes flew open, for that creature she was no more
No fear was the weapon she chose to weild
No fear had become her permanent shield
For when facing a lifetime of fear
Unimaginable strength surely inches near
The man who once broke her had long since died
His memory lived in this house unable to hide
She tries to remember if he ever did smile
Then she decided that was a wasted while
One last sweep she cast all around
Looked at the mantel and frowned
For upon it sat a piece of the past
which was probably the very last
A framed picture of her as a bride
Happiness she thought has ebbed like the tide
With a sigh she replaced the picture on the rack
And walked out of her personal hell without a glance back
As she reached the workers, she nodded her head
With pure steel in her voice "demolish it" she said.

The MARRIAGE song

The moment a girl shows a hint of breast
Her parents, they get really stressed
Because the time for marriage has come
Girls don’t get married are considered dumb

The proposals come from near and far
They want the girl to be at par
With riches, education and beauty
And love the mother in law like its her sole duty

Then come the online sites
With guys that give the girl a fright
They look like old, fat farts
But parents say they have nice, sweet hearts

No matter how bad the guy
Even if their English would make *Wilbur die
The girl must settle
She has to be made of mettle

She is the one who has to reduce
She is the one who has to deduce
The guys likes and hates
Put up with him like he’s her fate

Oh! But the guy must like her too
She must look like she lives on glue
Thin and frail she must look
And of course she must know how to cook

Her father should be loaded with cash
Else she would end up in the family trash
She must have a degree yes in indeed
But she should do house work godspeed

Girls should be Slim, fair and pretty they say
Wish stupid guys never had their way
They think they are such super stars
Trust me men are so from mars!

One boyfriend and the girl is a slut
10 girlfriends and the guy is a stud who struts
A boy from the US is smart and fit
A girl from the US would be considered full of shit


Incase the proposal doesn’t work then relatives pry
So bad that all she can do it sit and cry
They talk ill of her body and ill of her fate
If she could bring them death, she would so fix a date!

Girls aged 25 and above are such old cows
Say the stupid women who look like shit right now
They make parents go mad with grief
Ironic when marriage is supposed to give relief

Who made these rules who made these terms
Well, whoever did in hell will burn
Who decides marriage, who decides what’s right?
It juts gives girls nightmares in the wee hours of night

One day I hope we all unite
To put out this fire burn that burns with spite
Marriage is an act of love and not one of force
If this continues we’ll be a land of hate, death and divorce!

* Wilbur Sargunaraj

Top 10 reasons why NOT to marry a Rap star!

It’s just once in a blue moon that I have a normal, marriage-free chatter with my mum. This one “blue-moon” time we spoke about clothes and shopping and dieting and fun memories. I was so happy I really wanted to beg her to stay normal forever! I guess I spoke too soon because she did indeed start talking about marriage (not mine thankfully) but about Eminem’s!! I know it sounds wack having a conversation about a disturbed rap star with ones mum but yeah it happened!
Apparently she was with my brother when a couple of Eminem’s songs came on VH1 and amid the huge jumble of cusses and swears, my mum managed to ask my brother what the heck the “American in the ready to fall off pants was blabbering”.
So full of knowledge about Eminem’s torrid life, she decided to have a chat with me about never getting married to someone like him!
This in fact got me thinking…Imagine being married to a rap star? Here are the top 10 things I think a rap star’s wife would be binding herself to when she says yes to the bling:

1)She can never ever divorce him without the fear of being ridiculed and cursed about in his upcoming album

2)She needs to have big bootay…else he would go hunting for one

3)She has to make room in her closet for his umpteen number of hats, king sized jeans, fur coats, high tops and what not

4)Her hubby would outshine her when it comes to bling

5)She would always be addressed as “bitch”, “ho”, “mama” and “woman”

6)She better not get him pissed what with the umpteen number of guns he would have hidden under his voluminous coat

7)She cannot look at another guy without having to start a gang war

8)She must never, ever remind him of his mother…most rap stars have an issue with theirs!

9)He would have a number of flings and she would have to smile and swear that it was her hubby’s doppelganger!

10)She would have to be involved in constant cat fights just to get noticed because anyways her hubby would steal the spotlight!

I’m sticking with a nice Indian boy (if there’s any of that kind left in the world!) I really don’t want to live a life being judged on the size of my assets or that of my wardrobe! Sheesh!

The OTHERS

Despite what the title reads, this blog contains no ghosts, no haunted mansions, no headstones buried under piles of leaves and certainly no Nicole Kidman.

“The others” are whom I’d like to call those individuals located outside the circle of marriage. Let me take you through the 3 circles of marriage first so as to throw some light:

=) The circle of marriage: This circle is the innermost concentric consisting of ones hubby/wife, kids and extremely close knit friends.
=) The circle of family: This circle is the outer rim of the 1st concentric and consists of all close knit and direct relatives of the girl and well as guy
=) The circle of eternal nonsense and useless garbage: extremely distant relatives (mother’s uncles cousins sons daughters grandfathers sisters…well you get the drift), shitty neighbours, loud mouthed bitches and everything that falls into the mentioned categories.

The others I am talking of in this blog are the direct relatives of the proposed guy. Now unless they are sweet and lovable I would have just about no qualms in shoving them headlong into the third stinky circle. And just my luck, I seem to get a lot of others who are themselves dying to get thrown into this particular muckhole.

Now how does the perfect proposal go? The guy and girl who treat each other as equals meet up at a nice little cozy coffee shop and have a nice open about their expectations about married life…but this is India and perfect proposals as such are hard to come by if not impossible.
Instead we have tons of “others” who interfere with the proposal in everyway possible turning it so horrible, it becomes a regular market place with the proposed boy, girl and the parents going round and round in circles blind folded and banging into everything to the tune of “3 blind mice”!

I have been a victim to no end and have bruised my knees and stubbed my toes so may times my pedicure takes hours on end!

The "others" tend to think that they rule the circle of marriage, that they are the influencers and some even go to the extend of thinking that one nod from their majestic noggin is enough to sound off the trumpets of love (more like morose organs at a funeral!)

I had this one proposal that I actually did like and that too after a long time! He was smart and EMPLOYED and looked pretty fine (slightly podgy...but i never go for looks...well maybe a little :)) AND even spoke well! Now this is a combination that’s hard to come by and it finally came! When conversations with K started stretching to hours on end, for a second I actually thought “well there goes my blog!”

The guy was in Dubai (as most mallu proposals are!) and so were his parents. (I find the “leave” situation in Dubai hilarious! Imagine, the guy will not be able to get a leave in case its not a very interesting proposal, however, if the girl is a tad bit toward the good looking side, then along comes 2 months of leave!)
Anyway I’m diverting here so let’s get back to K.

So we talk and talk and I actually come to like this guy. I really wanted it to work, though I did get singledom pangs now and then!

My folks love playing high stakes and they went ahead and struck a deal with the guy's parents! As both the guy as well as his parents were in Dubai, his one and only SISTER would come to judge me in the “I-wanna- get-married-to-your-brother-please-pick-me-for-i-am-a-complete-desperado!” pageant.
Ok this was going to be a little tough...apparently word had spread that I had gained weight and this was going to a problem (Once my mum got wind of this, she screamed at me like I had won the world sumo wrestling championship or something!) Anyway I didn’t give 2 hoots because I thought the guy was going to be just fine.

I saw a couple of snaps of the SISTER and she seemed nice enough.
When D-day came I put on my best smile, my blackest of black salwaars and hoped that my pearly whites would distract her from my flappable love handles.
We have a decent conversation peppered with some “why are you not having anything?” “Please eat something”! Stuff and nonsense really! My mum added to the masala by dishing out the latest asanas that I practice to lose weight! (Thanks mum! Grrr!)

But by the end of it we were all smiles because it had gone ok. Oh boy! You know what’s coming don’t you?

That STUPID CRETATEOUS SNOT NOSE of a sister complained about me to her mum and in fact said I was really fat and not tall enough (K had all the grace and poise of a pregnant walrus and was 5’8”!!) And to top it off she said I was not his type! Lordy! That woman would not know a type eve if it hit her square in the face!

The saddesest part is that the guy actually did not even bother with my proposal anymore...I am secretly trying get his Dubai address. I am planning to send him a sweet little skunk trained in the art of squirting something nasty on losers only...so i guess the guy will get his due!

We later found out that the SISTER was one crazy psycho jealous bitch who is friggin self conscious and gives the goddess of envy some salvation to look forward to! So the nasty feedback was completely intentional but us wise bloggers do finish last folks!

My mum called up her mum and for once stood up for me! Here are a couple of classy dialogues mum dished out (BWAHHHAAA!):

a) If it is your daughter who is going to come and judge every single girl, then be rest assured that your son will never get married.
b) Oh come on! Weight is never an issue, atleast Teenu has a good face. Look at your daughter, even she eventually got married right?
c) We were never looking at guys with your sons qualifications, it is only because Teenu liked him. Anyway his loss!

You GO mum! She’s even decided not to let any more “others” come see me! Just the guy and no more mediators!

Hmmm…I think she’s anonymously been following my blog…I actually seem to have made a dent!!!

All that MOOs is not a cow!

Not many people would have noticed this but marriage is pretty much like a milk production business. Right from milking the cows to getting the end product off the shelves, marriage resembles milk in many ways.

Let’s look at the base product for starters. Pure white, wholesome and delicious! A person with the milk business would start with finding the right cows to provide this nutritious treat. Once the best breed is selected, he would either go large scale or have a smaller business range. The cows are groomed and taken care of quite well. Little do the poor cows realize that they would soon be sold for milk or meat!

It goes the same route in families. The best amongst the children (esp the eldest girl) is always well groomed and taken care of, she’s shown off to everyone and praises heaped upon her. The parents make sure that this gorgeous cow…erm…girl stays gorgeous! But what about the children who aren’t as fortunate looks wise? Well…more business for Fair and lovely, beauty parlors and fitness centers without a doubt (I’ve been there done that folks!)

Let’s just stick to the gorgeous girl/cow for the time being; makes life a little simpler! So this girl becomes the crème de la crème amongst the relatives, neighbors, friends and community.
The parents would have started plotting a while back you see as to when she should be “handed over” in holy matrimony to the most eligible guy in the world!
The moment the girl age hits double digits the multiples of 2 the market place is open for an splendid sale! The only difference between a market place for cattle and a market place for eligible girls is that the former happens in the open with a lot of hollering: “jersey cow!” “Best breed!” “30 L of milk” and so forth and the latter happens inside closed doors with the aid of virtual markets (Jsathi, Bmatrimony and others-I’m a member in each one mind you! ;)) with “subtle” hints like “beautiful girl!”, “Milk Fair!”, “Cooks well!” and so much more!

The selection of the girl is most hilarious! Buyers physically examine each…erm…part…of the cow and that is possibly the only thing that is missing in the marriage system; because save for the groping hands, the girl is examined up and down through the would be family’s scrutinizing eyes!
Here are a few lines that are common place in the wedding scenario that transports me to the perfect setting for a cattle farm:

“Your daughter is not too fair huh?”
“My son is in the US, will your daughter be able to adjust?”
“Oh! So that’s the only dowry you will be giving?”
“She’s a little fat isn’t she?”

Trust me the list never ends!

Incase a buyer rejects a cow saying that it was too skinny, the seller would fatten it up with a lot more nutritious food to better his chance at a sale the next time around.
Mostly the opposite happens in marriages, a lot of girls are rejected with chubbiness given as the reason. (That’s mine for most of the proposals!) Then comes a barrage of diet tips, exercises and food deprival that would in the short term aid a sale but in the long term also aid in various health related issues.

Then of course milking the deal for all it is worth! Right from the money given as “gifts” to the daughter to the venue of the wedding, amount of jewelry the bride has to wear till the make of the car to transport the bride and groom to the reception hall is discussed and finalized and of course everything is expensive and the gal’s poor dad would have bust a lung by the time he blows air into the demand balloons from the would bes!

The girl quietly falls into the gentle lull of pre wedding and first few weeks of post-wedding sweetness and these days would be the happiest in a girl’s life! Post the sweetness comes the bitter aftertaste…reality strikes and the only image the girl sees while looking at her reflection in the mirror every morning is a cow gazing back with mournful eyes!

I for one wish my parents would stop treating me like a cow well over the sale period just because I am 26 years old! Infact they treat me so like a cow…instead of saying NOOOOOOOO to a stupid proposal I sometimes mouth a MOOOOOOOOO!!! God help us women!

"Ka-Ching" and all that crap!

I just can’t get over how troubled we Indians become about money when it comes to marriages! “A simple wedding for 50” sounds like “the bride and groom got married naked inside a pig sty” to those aunties and uncles who live to measure every paisa put into an Indian wedding!

I know of families who take out huge loans in order to conduct the wedding in a grand manner and then live the rest of their lives in utter despair paying up those loans. I mean…why all this fuss for a union of two people for the better or for the worse??

And the money flows not just for conducting the wedding…there’s a little factor that goes by the name “DOWRY”! All those who have heard that word put your hands up!
Make no mistake, the word has evolved throughout the years and is now the official “gift” that the bride’s family gives the “bride” (actually groom) for “her” (actually his) use. There are weddings that break off just because the bride’s family is not able to meet up to the gift demand from the groom’s family. I mean if the guy is so in need of money don’t get married because that in itself is a huge expense!
Even now the elite speak about dowry and a bride is measured inch for inch from the amount spent on her wedding attire (not to mention for the other functions) to the carat of each sparkling diamond and the richness of each grain of pearl around her neck.

There was even an incident wherein the groom’s mother actually measured each piece of jewellery before even letting the bride into the house. I think we have moved slightly away from exploding stoves and poisoned food. That’s the good part. The bad part? Its moved toward exploding cars and poisoned champagne.

Let me tell you about a little incident I have gone through that has presented me with balls so huge, I could spit on the face of any moron who asks for even a pai of dowry.
So check this…it all starts with a proposal. The guy seemed ok except for the fact that he seemed surgically attached to his car. I mean the dude had his car with him in every single photograph! Made me think real weird but hey we have to give fetish space to everyone and that includes proposals!

So this one gets to the point of “ok-so-let’s-get-married” and I am really excited about the whole thing. It’s been two days of chit chatting and alls going well.

Did you know that there was a saying “nothing good or bad can stay that way for more than two days?” (OK fine there’s no such saying I just made that bit up!)
Anyways on the third day he did a Christ and rose up from his torpor and claimed that we were just not right for each other. I was taken aback because the previous two days showed no sign of any such negativity toward our relationship. The man was not even being logical about the whole thing. He just gave me the blow.
But my nose, well trained in proposal matters, smelt an awfully rotten fish! I called up my mum and explained the incident. To my surprise she started laughing! She said she expected something of the sort from the guy’s side. Schumacher’s dad had called mine in the morning and blatantly announced that he wanted to discuss the dowry. My dad being all sweet and polite said something that came across as “No dowry, just gifts for my daughter” By which he meant “Yes we will indeed give dowry.”
The guy’s side however got it all wrong and as a result, the call from the guy!
I was apoplectic with rage! To top it off, my mum said that she was getting hazaar missed calls from the ex would be. I knew my mum had a wicked idea when she hung up quickly. After about 5 minutes she called in breathless!
She was hooting with laughter! Supposedly she told the guy that my dowry was Rs. 1.5 crores!! And the guy hung up quicker than quicksilver with a lame “er…I’ll just call you back aunty!”

Like clockwork the money hunger loser calls me up! Shamelessly he apologizes for saying no to me in the first place and that over the next 10 minutes he’s realized that there would be no one better in this whole wide world to be his wife than me! I LOST IT!

I screamed so hard into the phone, even my ears started ringing! I told him what a miserable, moolah hungry moronic ass he was and that even if I were forced to marry a hyena I would do so gladly than even consider talking to him! The guy was dumbfounded of course! I called him everything from a six toed sloth to a spineless jellyfish and everything in between (I didn’t want to insult the animals but I didn’t have a choice!)

He hung up quick enough. I called up my mum and we had a good laugh about it.
But the sheer shamelessness of the guy and his family shook me bad! How cheap can people get?

I dare any proposal to bring up the topic of dowry…I have stocked the “meeting room” in my house with everything from knives to guns and poison darts and if one likes a slow death, paper clips! Just say the D word…I so dare you!

The "Check up" Syndrome

Have you ever been a victim of the “Check up” Syndrome?

Is your answer no to the above question? Or are you confused about what it means?
Read on…

Have you ever had random strangers weigh your qualities even without having seen you?
Have you heard amazing stories about yourself from others? Some that may have never happened?
Have you ever felt like wringing that certain someone’s neck because those particular stories?

Are your answers to these questions yes?

Then you indeed have become a victim of the “Check-up” Syndrome!

Oh don’t worry you wont be victim of the check up until you are about marriageable age.
This is how it goes. Imagine this scenario:
A girl gets a proposal. Girl likes guy and guy likes girl. A romance ensues for about 3 days. On the 4th day the calls, mails and chats abruptly stop. The boy’s family declares that the girl is not suitable enough for their darling son!
The reason? A family friend heard from the second cousin of the sister-in-law of a close friend (who used to study in the same college as that of the girl) that the girl was notorious for her string of affairs while in college! Egad! How true that bit of information could be!!

People with this syndrome just cannot accept a happily ever after in any person’s life! They go to any lengths to become the inevitable thorn that punctures the wheel, the loose cog that destroys a well oiled machine…well you get the drift!

I had done a bit of profiling in “Witches, snitches and plain bitches” but come to think of it…individuals with this particular syndrome dates back a while!

Like the time a proposal was stopped on the way to my aunt’s place. Imagine this! The cretin actually stopped the car halfway to the house and said something so fusty about my aunt, the proposed boy turned tail and was never heard from again!

Most of the info gathered about a proposed guy or girl would be gathered via the IAMGV (The Internationally Acclaimed Marriage Grape Vine). The grimy vultures part of this intimate circle have to keep up to date with all known marriage information. For eg: who is getting married to whom but is actually a better match for whom, the number of girls a potential guy has “moved around” with, how slutty a girl is and so much more!

Now the question arises as to where asinine information gets cooked up! This happens if a member is not up to date on the information floating around and if questioned just has to make up some info in order to save face! It’s a terrible sin to be part of the IAMGV and not know! Punishable indiscretion indeed!
And how could I be so sure? Personal experience dears! As per IAMGV records I have been heavy with child about 10 times, have had a personal porn CD made and date only muslim guys!!!! There are times when calls have gone to the proposed boy’s house with defamatory comments and well you know the drill!

Once I actually tracked down the lady (Hardly a lady and more like a pig in a saree- who of course attended all possible forms of prayer meetings and bible readings!! Please note that sometime then most pious are the deadliest!) Responsible for these rumours and her side of the story? She’d heard it from a cousin’s husband’s cousin twice removed!! And she wasn’t sure about any of the information, but when she was asked about me she felt it her duty to convey what she had “heard about” me!!!
I said fair enough and also said a few things to her that she would never in her life be able to “CONVEY” to anyone else without having to see the pope for confession first!

I understand that the families need to know each other a little before even meeting but declaring the girl a slut or the guy a brain zero even before the proposal catches wind is far flung from the normal!
And who gives the role of “checkers” to these numbskulls anyhow? Self righteous goodie two shoes who are actually slimy gits of the highest order affecting the proper functioning of forget a single household but the world to be exact!!!!!

This is the decision I have made! I track down the root story teller who spreads delightful tales about me and tell them some ridiculous story I have “heard” about them (throw in a couple of doctored pics and I’m set!!)!
Sure it sounds crazy and most of you would wonder why I would follow such a painstaking route and all of you would stick with “why bother? Just leave it be!” but know something? The happiness and satisfaction that I would get from seeing the freaking shit scared out of these spineless worms would be rapture raised to the power of n!!!

I’m hooked for life!! :)

The Hubby-to-be from HELL- Part 2

D made the call!

The guy who said “Hello” sounded completely different from the abomination she had spoken with the previous day. This character (the real groom to be) was completely sane for one and not to mention a lot more humane.

A conversation ensued.

As per the guy’s explanation (Let’s call him J) it was a complete psycho who had called up her dad and got D’s number from her. The psycho had initially pretended to be J’s father and then pretended to be J! And J was indeed so very upset for the way things turned out and kept hinting that if D wanted to call things off, he would somehow try and bear the pain of refusal!

Further discussions took place on the “incident” and J actually went to the extent of telling D that it was most probably someone she knew playing a trick! D promptly gives J the number from which the psycho had called. J becomes the night in shinning armor and hangs up the phone with a promise to apprehend the psychosomatic dragon!

After a bit J calls back saying that the dragon just refuses to pick his call. He hangs up with yet another promise to never give up until he gets through to the guy!
A short while later, J calls back saying that the guy finally picked up and he spoke Tamil! Well well!! He could also well have the makings of a terrorist because he said that any guy who dares to marry D would be KILLED! I mean talk about drama!
If I heard such a dialogue I would just laugh my guts out so much the psycho would crack a second time!!

J starts hyperventilating and claims that for everyone’s good, it was best not to take the proposal forward. D however insists and J reluctantly agrees to meet her.

A surprise comes the next day in the form of J’s friend. He comes down to office all business like and asks to meet D. I do have the pleasure to say that it was I who the “friend” interacted with first asking for D.

During their conversation the “friend” stupidly mentions that J had asked him to make an enquiry and check on D to see if she looks the same in real life when compared to her pics! He even has the cheek to ask her for any messages that he needs passed on to J! D diplomatically says “Anyway I am meeting him this Saturday so I’ll ask him directly.” The “friend” makes a hasty exit!

D calls up J and enquires about the visit from the friend. “Just to check out how you look in real life” quips J. All said and done J still seems very indisposed in meeting D. He also kept insisting that as the guy spoke Tamil and D was currently in Chennai, the guy had to be someone she knew well! Rocket scientist this one!
Here’s a twist to the tale. Usually the guys are the ones to say NO to a proposal; this time around, J INSISTED (and that too big time) that D should say NO (Keeping in mind the
”safety” of his life maybe! Pansy!)
These were the only lines he kept throwing at D the very last time they spoke “YOU have to say no D! YOU should be saying no! YOU should think about our safety! YOU just have to say no!”
Well, D did say NO and J was relieved.

My theories?

a) J must have this girlfriend who would have promised to beat his non-existent brains out if he dared to proceed with the proposal!
b) Or maybe he’s already hitched and his wife would have promised to do the same!
c) J is gay

In closing…presenting the crème de la crème of all dialogues (This is by the psycho to J- as per J’s account of course!): “Listen! I don’t know who you are and I don’t care what you do! I am doing all this for me! I will not let anyone else marry D! I will just kill him!”

This year’s golden Raspberry for the most exquisitely crummy plot, atrocious script and pathetic acting and dialogue delivery goes to J!!! Congratulations J!!!

The Hubby-to-be from HELL- Part 1

**A true story

Morning dawned bright and clear. D yawned and stretched herself.
“What a lovely day!” said she! Springing up from bed; she started getting ready for office. With a happy little tune playing in her head, she declared that the day was officially going to be perfect! Little did she know that her woman’s intuition was way off track that day! Matters were slowly moving into the twilight zone…

D was hard at work when she receives a mail from her father about a marriage proposal that seems quite promising; amongst the umpteen number of goons she had seen! She agrees with her mother to meet the guy and his family during the weekend.

The day complete, D goes home to a nice dinner, a movie and the sack.She was on the phone with me chatting about the day’s events when she said “Odd! There is this number that has been calling me repeatedly for the past half a hour…Oops! Now my dad’s calling me…call you back!”

That was the last I heard from her... for that that night that is!

I had taken the morning off the next day. When I reached office after lunch, an ashen faced D pulled me to a corner. She looked disturbed and extremely frantic!

She told me again about the unknown number that kept buzzing her in a never ending manner. Her dad had called up saying that the guy wanted to speak to her and it was he who was trying to call her about a gazillion times! At 10! (Any time after 8:30 is considered highly disrespectful in the Indian Proposal scenario for any guy and gal to talk to each other!)

D said the guy gave a missed call after her dad hung up and with a teensy thought of “cheapskate” she called up the guy. They spoke for a while and all seemed peachy keen,as they always do.Little did she know that her life would be at threat the coming day!

The guy apparently had given D a “missed call” again in the morning and as we had a meeting she could not return the call. After a while she called back and the person who answered seemed so beast like that for a moment she thought the guy’s life was written by Robert Louis Stevenson!!!!!
So went the conversation:
Please note: PG stands for Psycho guy

PG: “So I gave you a missed call.”
D: “Oh! It was a missed call huh? Why could you not have called?”
PG: “Why didn’t you return my call?”
D: “I was in a meeting. Just got out.”
PG: “Ok. I have to get in for a meeting too. Call me at 10 tonight.”
D: “I’ll try. I don’t know what time I’ll get home for sure.”
PG: “Fine then don’t bother."

The dial tone hummed in D‘s ears.
Thinking the line got disconnected, D calls back.

D: “hey did it get cut?”
PG: “That’s ok. Call me if you want to.”

A second round of dialer tone. This went on for atleast 4 times till finally:

D: “Please move to some place where have range!”
PG: “I was cutting the calls!”
D: “What do you mean?? Why? I told you I would try calling because I was not sure when I would get back!”

Then PG went into a monologue that would have encouraged any woman to pick up her Manolo Blahniks or Bata slippers and cause some serious damage!

PG: “What the hell do you think of yourself? I am insulted that you said you would TRY to call me and did not confirm that you would call me! I also work in a big office, the only difference is that you are in Chennai and I am in Cochin! If you show such attitude now, imagine how the case is going to be after marriage! I have a good mind to tell my parents about your behavior! If this is how it is going to be then I don’t think we should meet on Saturday. I can get much better girls so you need not bother! I am going to tell my dad about this! Shall i? Shall i?” (Complete monologue in pure mallu tones!)

By this time D had reached the point of no return and just screamed:

“GO AHEAD TELL YOUR DAD! I DON’T WANT TO MEET YOU ANYWAY!” and slammed the phone.
She called her folks and told them the guy was psycho and not worth coming all the way to (forget cochin) even the next cubicle to meet! It was all sorted out when her dad suddenly calls her and tells her that there has been some confusion. The REAL guy had called up her folks and said that he was never the one who spoke to D!
D was reeling with this new piece of information!
Her father gave her a number and said the REAL guy wanted to speak.
D took the number down on a piece of paper, stared at it phone in hand…

Will D make the call? What does the REAL guy have to say? Who was that mysterious, uncouth caller? What the hell is happening?

“The Hubby-to-be-from hell part 2” coming up soon!

PHAT Fat!

I must admit, I have put on… erm...a few kilos since my college days! Blame it on depression, blame it on rough competition, blame it on the nice samosa, sandwich and chayya kada right next to office and blame it on the new restaurants sprouting all across Chennai!
Woe is me I happen to be a food lover! I have to try every single eatery in the city, ranging from the Rs.10 for a dosa place a Rs.250 a dosa place! And the variety of cuisines I like ranges from; well to put it in short, everything to everything!! I don’t have huge quantities of food (except for rice ) but I have rich (rich to the power of cholesterol) food!
Add another woe is me to the list…I am a girl!
For me being a girl just leads to one concluding point: Marriage!! I have seen several friends of mine being “rejected” because they are FAT (as per the guy and his parents! And since I am supposed to get married soon, I am forbidden from gastronomical delights by my entire family in an attempt to get me back into my 36-25-36 (I dare not mention my current vital stats, I would be forbidden memberships in exclusive boutiques!)
Now this is by no means fair! Feel an example coming on? Hah! I’ve got 2!!

Example: 1- The Platypus

Along came a proposal…a guy as eligible as can be! Australia, Engineer, tall (5’8’’is tall for my folks) and as handsome as Johnny Depp!! I sat waiting for the pics of the guy to download and when it did, I almost suggested an optician to my parents as far from resembling Depp he looked more like a duck billed platypus!!! No jokes! His complexion was nothing to boast about and over all he looked like maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger covered in muck and dressed as a platypus. It was quite a shock! But I’m all about pleasing my parents y’know. We had an enjoyable evening over snacks and shakes with platy, my brother, his sister, my sister and me. The parents were happy and they were till the dreaded call! “Mon feels that Teenu is a little on the plump side and he thinks they will not match sooooo….” I was not allowed Chinese that night and I think I cursed platy so bad, his bill would have grown down to his navel and his non existent tail hung proudly from his stinking arse!

Example: 2- The Mon

This was the worst proposal ever! The guy seemed so open and wonderful over the phone I thought well ok let’s give you a chance then! Talks progressed and he seemed rather well how shall I put it different from me…I did voice this to my folks saying that the guy will reject me after he meets me. Oh pish posh! They said and brushed it aside and asked me to be on my best behavior. Once I was not able to pick his call (courtesy a brilliant headache) and as per my parents I was avoiding his calls and then came a row that lasted for 2 months. My mum and I didn’t speak to each other AT ALL…I was not even wished on my birthday and all for this one idiotic guy who called me “TINA” instead of “TEENU” every time he called. GRRRR!!!!
Anyways I had to come see him and he was zapped after we spoke and was extremely silent the remainder of the time.
Anyways his folks called up and said that they felt I was too fat and that they wanted a girl from a lower family!!! I mean what’s the deal here?

I don’t understand the aversion that people have toward a marriage ready girl who is slightly plump!!! The moment a girl turns 19, she is put on this “for a lifetime” diet to appear slim and svelte! And the guys can be as fat as you please! It’s just so unfair!

Ladies! Hear Ye! Hear Ye! If people around you say you’re fat, smile and F you! You are beautiful woman! Love the way you are and if there is a man out there who loves you for exactly the way you are….then grab your net and don’t let that whale get away!!!

The List

How is it that amongst the 6,802,800,000 numbers of people on Planet Earth, parents are quite adept at selecting the right men for their daughters and the right women for their sons?
Prepare to be introduced to the checklist from hell!
This checklist has been making rounds since the very institution of marriage was introduced! It is by far the most infallible method to pick and choose the crème de la crème from amongst the “who-are-you’s” in the marriage market…

I have now revealed to you the trade secret of perfect bride and groom picking, as established by parents the world over (more specifically, India). The “Eternally-correct-bride-and-groom-list”. This list is carried all over by marriage brokers, aunts and uncles and most of all parents. The list contains all the traits by which a bride or a groom should be selected. Move away from this list and as legend goes, the girl might end up with a guy who does not have a green card or shudder! Even have a love marriage!

The traits that are to be present in the perfect bride or groom would be selected from head to toe across generations and engraved into our head so bad that the moment we see a guy or girl a shade darker than the list demands, a frown surfaces!

Let me give you examples of the perfect bride and the perfect groom as per THE LIST:

The perfect girl: “Should be about (5’2”), fair, slim, straight hair, very good looking. Must know 5 languages and speak English exceptionally well and must not speak a word unless spoken to. Must be a single daughter and the father should be well off enough to pay a large sum of dowry. Must dress very well but never to outshine the mother or sisters in law. Must be able to cook 8 different styles of dishes and prepare a feast for 20 people within 4 hours. She should be well educated but never mention it in public, especially if her husband is slightly under qualified. She should be a virgin both physically and emotionally! Should have never known the taste of cigarette smoke and alcohol. She must be able to do all household chores without a single complaint. She should ideally sit at home busy with cooking, household chores, giving birth and raising babies. And to top it all off…she should be worshipful to her in laws.”

There! You have the perfect bride!

The perfect groom: “Should be from Overseas or have a green card!”

Oh come now! Don’t roll your eyes! Ask any gal! Or better yet, ask the creators of this list…the Parents!!!

Of SalesMums and Phoren fantasies

(This blog is a long one people. But do have the patience to go through it…real excerpts add major spice to this little pot of chili of mine!!)


What is it with folks and their obsession about all things “Phoren”? Just say for comparison sake one has a proposal X and a proposal Y:

Proposal X:

Handsome guy, earns an annual salary of Rs. 20 Lakhs, works in a top MNC in Mumbai

Proposal Y:

Handsome guy, earns and annual salary of Rs. 20 Lakhs per month (converted), works in USA.

Which proposal do you think most parents go for? Yeah, you guessed right: Proposal Y. And why Y? Because most parents event today are plagued with the “Phoren virus”. According to parents any guy settled abroad is a dream come true and the girl should just quiver with happiness at the mere thought of a guy settled abroad even glancing through her profile. As soon as parents hear that the guy is in the US, UK or Dubai (current favs in Kerala- though Aussie Land and NZ are not far behind), gone with the wind are any objections accepted on terms of looks, salary, bad breath and mallu English!

A couple of months back, an interesting proposal came my way as most interesting proposals do…
The guy was in the US. Studying apparently and thankfully this guy had a job! He looked like Sean Kingston on an uptight, tight arsed trip to a Museum of History, sticking his nose up at machine coffee and calling out for his cup of jasmine scented tea like so “Oh I do say Cedric old boy, I rather fancy a cup of my ever so calming Jasmine tea now in my silver sterling tea cup…”
The first thing that turned me off was that he was brought up in the US. Now I am not playing miss prissy perfect here, but I knew that my outlook would TOTALLY go their separate routes.
The second thing? His Mum! She gave my mum a run for her money! From the way she spoke to my folks, I was sure that the guy was being forced headlong into the proposal and he had no intention whatsoever to settle down soon and that he wanted someone from the US.
I voiced this to my parents but nooooo! The guy was from the US!! A whale of a catch! And I should give him a chance! Seems they heard a lot of nice stuff about him…from his mother of course!! I knew as usual this would mean another blog!

After I read a few mails his mum had sent my dad, I thought she should be given the “Best Salesperson of the year” award cos maaaaaaaan! Was she selling!! Please find below a few excerpts from her mail. I have not added much

- “I hope she likes X. I hope by this time Teenu would have recovered.
It was kind of challenge to me to prove to X, a girl grown up in India is
as good as or better than any girl grown up in US. So just to convince him
this, we would like them to communicate each other.
It is all God's doing that this matter is progressing like this despite the
initial hesitation. As I read her profile again, it added some more value to her.”


- “By that time all the good girls will be taken. Nowadays since both boys &
girls don't like much age difference, you may end up with older girls and if
the girls stayed unmarried till 27/28 they may not be that good".
He agreed & so we started looking for a girl.
He doesn't mind about the girl's complexion. But he prefers slim girls. I
told him that for the next generation, it is better to have a girl fairer
than him. (Complexion, he doesn't mind even now.)”

- “Another thing we agreed upon is that we will screen the family & status,
even though the last word is of the boy & the girl. The family of the girl
is very important since not only is he getting married to the girl, but to
the whole family & vice versa. The girl's family should be more or less
equal our family in social status, culture etc. and that they shouldn't have
a complex (inferiority or superiority) to associate with us. Since X has
grown up here, all these basics had to be explained to him. Still it is a
God's blessing to get the perfect match and so I pray to God to select the
right one for him.”

- “We like your daughter’s innocent look and smile. I am sure her English will
be as good as his to communicate with him clearly. As a father-in-law, you
also will not have any problem to understand him.
With her capabilities, she will not have any problem adjusting to the US
life. My another expectation is that since she has grown up with you all in
India, she will have our culture ingrained in her from the strong family and
cultural bond.
Honestly, I didn't notice in Shaadi that you were looking for a boy of
complexion: Fair.
Abe is about as fair as your son.”

- “X is born a gentleman.
X served as an Altar boy
X speaks Malayalam, but is more comfortable speaking English. X has tried
to maintain Malayalee ideals with the ideals he's learned at school and in
life away from home.
X likes to wear Brand name clothes and eats at fine restaurants once in a
while,... just like any other Indian boy brought up in US.
He doesn't have any bad habits that I know of.
You know how boys are, I don't like any of his photos I have with me. When I asked for current photos, he told me "boys don't carry Camera or take photos of themselves". When I asked him, what about the hair, cutting so short?, he said "I like it that way & if anybody likes me as I am, it is all right" .
What shall I say?”

- “He prefers a girl -- slim, 5'2"-5'7", Masters in Egineering, MBA or Medical Doctor.
We prefer Orthodox, but we don't mind choosing a girl from Orthodox,
Jacobite, Marthoma or Catholic denominations, as long as she is from a good
family, good looking, educated, loving, humble & of good character.
Now I have to push X to start communication..
I hope they will fall in love. It is God's choice.”

- About the cultural clash.
“As I wrote in his profile, he is a "pakka" mixture of both cultures.
How can anybody whose favourites are "meen varathathu", "Beef Ularthiyathu", "egg roast" , Poori, Appam, Chicken stew, Uppuma, Dhosa, ... in that order is not from our culture?
X prefers Fork & knife to eat Steak, Noodles, Chinese food..... but doesn't use them to eat rice or "uppuma" or "poottu" etc.

As an American:
Comparing to Indian men, American men respect women more. They like to dress neatly.
They are very straight forward in expressing their opinions. He has all these traits.
What he doesn't know about Kerala culture, we expect Teenu to fill in.
About American culture, X is a good guide for Teenu.”


Quite a load full huh? The above excerpts are exact and have not been changed in anyway except for the guy’s name and the font style. I was so appalled that my folks even looked past all her inflated ego and the “My son is god’s gift to women” and actually asked me mail him!! His crazy mother even had the friggin audacity to ask my mum to send her a pic of me in JEANS so that her son would actually believe that I am not the backward mallu that he thinks I could be!!!!

This got my blood boiling!!! I cut out the niceties with the guy (who was very hesitant in mailing me) and point blank mailed him: “X, when do you want to get married?”

His reply summarized the three points I had voice to my folks right in the beginning:

- He was being forced
- He did not want to settle down anytime soon
- He would gel better with someone in the US

I sent the mail to my folks who promptly tried to get on my good side by sending the mail to Salesmom. And the reply? It was a beauty!!

- “Last week, when X talked to me over the phone, he casually mentioned that it is not working..
I didn't say anything for few seconds..
He asked me Mommy, are you crying? Are you sad?? why you are not saying anything??
I said, nothing.. I am not crying... but I am very disappointed. Out of all the girls, I fell for this girl and my wisdom says she is the perfect match for you, but you are the one to decide, I will never compel you for something like this.

Teenu, please don't be upset. God would have already found somebody better than X for you. I am very sad for losing you and your family from our future. God has his own way. He does everything for a purpose.
If only I could show you face to face to X, the story would have been different.... but that didn't happen, even if I tried.”

GOD!!! Is there ever a limit to how much we girls have to endure for the sake of “Phoren fantasies” ???? Damn and Blast Miss Salesmum to the deepest cores of “I am out for SalesMum blood” Hell!!!!

Bring on the ONE on ONEs!

There was a time in my life where the word INTERVIEW used to set aquiver my bone marrow! I used to get so freaked out and I would become so panicky, anyone who was within a radius of 5 m from me would say bye bye to the interview and ride away into the sunset! I was notorious for this! In fact, people referred to me as the “Queen of the DANG!” like DANG she made me forget my opening line! DANG she gave me clammy hands! Etc…
Come the testing years and now miss-queen-of-the-DANG is officially miss-cool-and-confident-I-breeze-through-interviews!
Go ahead…ask me how!!

Well…constant practice does this!
Imagine if you get to face roughly about 6 guys every 2 weeks and sit in a chair all flustered as they do a cross section on your likes and dislikes and your past boyfriends and how well you cook and whether you would cry too much if you were in the states after marriage?? Well…you too would be damn good at interviews!!

Let’s look at the important sections in an interview:

=) The entry =) Opening line =) The pleasantries =) The DFI =) Conflict resolution
=) The Closing
Believe it or not, the same applies for every proposal that comes along! I used to be bashful (shudder!!) and get completely tongue tied at one point in time when I was not used to the questions fired away by the guy. It was like I was even more accessible than a wikipedia and for the heck of it guys shot questions at me trying to elicit the right answer!
Nowadays, however, I could give Dee Dee a run for her money! I sometimes feel sorry for the guys who come to see me in recent times as they start sweating and fidgeting around on the chair so bad, my mum had to get the covers changed at least twice!
My secret? I listen! I listen for catch points on which I could make guys squirm like worms with just a single question.

Here’s a teensy gander: (Pls note: This is a total recall from one of my past proposals!)

Dad: “So Molle, why don’t you and B have a small chat?”

(I nod and stand with such confidence and speed, for a moment the guy actually blinks!)

Me: “This way B”

(I sit after he does and thus begins the pleasantries)

B: “Your house is great! This is yummy food! Your mum is so pretty!”
Me: “You are rather generous with your compliments B! Thank you” (Accent with a rather fake laugh which B joins in with obvious pleasure!)
Me: “So, B, your bio-data seems quite impressive!”
B: “Yeah! Of course! I am a jack of all trades!”
Me: “Hmmm….and I hope you are a master of all as well, because it would be terrible if you were the master of none as the proverb you used clearly states”

(Slight pause)

B: “Of course! I am a master of all! Ha ha!
(Sad Duck! But he’s about to take his revenge)

B: “So, you seem to be a clever outgoing girl! You must have had a lot of admirers! Any boyfriends?”

Me: “Oh thanks for the compliment! I would be lying if I said I would not have had any contact with the opposite sex. The term boyfriend is quite subjective! It would differ from situation to situation! Not that I have not had a fair share of dates but I was looking for that someone special…but B for you to ask this question on just our first meeting makes you come off as the modern, open type. So I can guess its safe to assume that you would have had some girlfriends in your life?”

(Rather pronounced pause…a little bit of sweating)

B: “No! No! Me girlfiriends? Never!”

Me: “Hmmm…in today’s world, I would consider someone saying no to the question I asked as lying. But since you seem to be so sure of yourself I am forced to accept that.
So tell me…how’s a guy who has never been in a relationship with a girl so certain that he will be able to settle down with one for the rest of his life?”

I can assure you girls that by this time, the guy would have started the shifting around rather violently in his seat.

(Enter my mum with a platter of some more nibbles so as to ease the tension in the air! Bs hands spasm slightly as he accepts the plate of treats from my mum. My mum looks at me. Her eyes seem like saucers. This was obviously her way of telling me to knock it off! I smile back!)

B: “So what you feel about the future?”
Me: “In terms of? Is it work? Or marriage? Or kids? Or living together? Or the political debacle the world is facing?”
B: “Marriage of course! I mean what else would we be discussing right now?”
Me: “Well B, you seem to be someone who leaps and then looks back with regret! I mean I thought this was a conversation centered on knowing each a little better, not that we can do that much justice in 10 minutes and not about marriage as such. I mean I am sure you agree with me on that!”

(B’s violent head shaking determines that he did agree and he also agreed with me on the fact that he leaped and then looked with regret at even daring to sit opposite me and have a chat!)

B: “Er…lets get back shall we?”
Me: “No problem at all! Great talking to you!”

Ladies and gentlemen, VENI, VIDI, VICI!!

Change...the constant headache!

This is more a rant than a blog people…Like Meg Ryan says in ‘You’ve got mail’, “I just want to send this cosmic rant out into the void!’

It was actually a blow to the head that made me realize why I was not ready to hand over myself happily to the last existing form of slave trade. There I was getting into an auto with the thoughts of my new Gucci sunglasses (courtesy my mum!!!  ) dancing in my head when bam!! I got the conkers knocked out of me as I smashed my head onto the steel side bar. And lo and behold! Revelation hit me!(quite literally) I did not want to change!

I love shopping every day! Love getting up in the middle of the night and reading Stephen King with cups of green tea! Probably cooking lunch at leisure and making what I want! I love wearing awesome clothes that people go awe at! I love acting all nutty and being responsible only for my well being! I love the fact that I don’t have to love another family other than my own unconditionally! I love it that I have only to handle bitchiness from my friends and not a mother or a sister in law! I just love the fact that I stand up for myself and pamper and love myself! And what I love most of all is a bathroom all to myself!
Trust me people I DO NOT want to change anything about me!

But change is inevitable. It stares at you from every corner of the world. Through computer screens, through papers left around slyly and from animated relatives. In my world…marriage brings about the biggest change in any person.

One minute there you are wearing a pair of ripped jeans and jumping around to Yves Larock in a snazzy pub and the next minute you are forced to acknowledge that such antics were done only by the single she devils of the world. I just don’t understand why there has to be so many sacrifices and people pleasing in one’s marriage.

Take for example this “friend” of mine…We were bum chums! Completely inseparable, so to the hilt that we planned on marrying brothers and staying in the same house! I epitomized her and saw her as the be all and end all!
Wicked world this! Madam is happily married now and has become the be all and end of the satisavitris of the world!! That’s cool as long as she keeps her satisavitriness to herself and her nose out of my business! She has taken the complete liberty of informing her mother to inform my mother about my guys friends! She has also developed a supposedly innate quality of reading the relationship between a guy and a girl by looking at how they behave and yeah I fell prey for that! It’s a miracle I didn’t get skinned alive by my mother after all the nonsense she sprouted about me!

I don’t want to divulge too much about the above incident but I can say for sure that nowadays I’d rather epitomize a rabid, maggot infested skunk! She sure has joined the DWHYGMTE club (Please refer my first blog) with intense vehemence! Well bully for you!

This change is what I don’t get! I don’t understand how a new person and his whole horde of relatives coming into a girl’s life have to completely change the essence of who she is! I have seen girls give up what they love the most, seen them become so different that they become unrecognizable. I have seen some women so frustrated with what they have become that they turn out complete recluses and become intensely socio-phobic!

My ‘friend’ , the nouveau satisavitri has cut me deep! Guess that too played a role in my ranting. Probably this is a very good reason why I should NOT get hitched! The poor guy would be stuck with a gal who still streaks her hair and dances at the drop of a note and loves to laugh at the top of her voice and wreak havoc in the bank account and enjoys the good life and is proud of how she is and would never, never in her life learn how to make a proper compromise without more ranting blogs to follow!

Takers anyone? ;)

Definitely the HEIGHTS!!!

Once upon a time there existed “The height of…” jokes…
Trust me on this though just because the story starts with “Once upon a time” does not mean it ends with a happily ever after!
Those who have not had the supreme opportunity of coming across the “The height of…” specimens, here’s a little peep…

Q: “What’s the height of noise?”
A: “Two skeletons making love on a tin roof!”

Q: “What’s the height of laziness?”
A: “A man waiting for an earthquake to help his love making!”

So you kinda get the drift now! Yeah there’s a bit of ewwww and a bit of yuuuccck and a lot of OMG! Next joke happening here!
Imagine if one became the butt of such jokes? I mean just imagine the amount of trauma that one would have caused in order to have a “heights of” joke dedicated especially to one? Trust me! A lot!

So yeah it all starts off with a proposal. There I was at home enjoying a much deserved two weeks of holiday, which is quite rare! I had about 2 more days of rest and relaxation when out springs the trap! A 31 year old guy was coming to see me. He had sent a couple of photographs all of which looked like the Taliban were closing in on the poor guy saying “Smile! Or we’ll blow your head off!!” And sure I’m no Greta Garbo but come on! I sure deserve someone who looks a little better than a chubby Abe Lincoln on a bad day!
But what the hell…I had to keep my folks happy and I needed a bit of amusement myself. So I gave the go ahead (as if they wouldn’t bring him along if I didn’t give it!) and the day before I was to return to work, V** (**Lets keep the poor guy anonymous now shall we?) was to descend from the heavens!
This one time I noticed that my folks did not pile on the food. It was a simple affair with a wine and plum cake starter, followed by a chicken salad sandwich entree and chocolate cookies and coffee for dessert. I thought it was all smartly done and this one time I had to hand it to my mum!
V had almost reached my doorstep and that was when I realized that I had paid absolutely no attention whatsoever to the endless triad about the proposal because I had no friggin idea what the guy’s name was. The cherry on this magnificent icing? My mum had no idea either!
Trivial matters…the above, for Mr. Cool and confident took heavy strides and with a well practiced grimace passed off for a smile, pumped my hand up and down with a “Hi! I’m V!”

So began the pleasantries!
Five minutes into the conversation confirms the fact that my parents had lost their proclivity for digging in for information- The guy did not have a bloody job! He was what you call…shudder…Unemployed! I was shocked and in a rather “touch-me-with a-feather-and-I’ll-faint” state when I heard a short conversation between my mum and my sis:
“Mum! The guy is unemployed!”
“So what? He’ll find a job soon!”
I mean COME ON!!! I for one am not reached the heights of desperation! Mr. no job had “Research scholar” in bold in his profile as confirmed by his dad during a casual conversation with mine. Apparently my folks “ASSUMED” that since the guy was conducting research, he would also be working side by side! Intuitive parents I have eh?

Ok! So I recover after 15 minutes of bees humming in my ear and I ask him oh! So politely (as I was trained to!) “So…you’re studying then!”
V answers with a large, rather plastered smile of pride “Oh no! I stopped that as well…my mentor was a pain so I didn’t want to take it forward!”
Did I mention that apart from no job and practically nothing to look forward to future wise, the guy had an accent so bogus that he sounded like he tried to eat 3 bananas sideways and they got lodged in his mouth!!
At one point I almost asked him “Could you please spit what’s in your chops and then resume the inane conversation??”

No work aside, and the cotton mouth routine, the guy happily admits that he is a cheapskate and does not spend money even if his butt were held under an open flame! And here’s something insulting dear MCP V about us ladies:

Foot in Mouth No:1

=) I definitely hate women who shop every week! I sure hope you are not one of them!

Foot in Mouth No:2

=) I really think that women who dress up and match their bags and shoes and things are really dumb. They have no intelligence whatsoever.

Foot in Mouth No:3

=) I liked a photo of you wearing a saree. You looked like wife material. I just don’t like obvious beauty!So i came to see you!!!

I think it was around this point that my mother removed the knives and forks from the vicinity…else that bloody MCP would have gone home looking like a cutlery cabinet!

OH MY GOD! Just imagine! After all this shit my folks still sat around deciding whether to say no to the proposal or not!!!! How daft has the world become!!!!!

Which takes me to my "Heights of..." dedication to dear sweet V:

Q: What’s the height of pain in the ass?
A: A 31 year old,Cotton mouthed, unemployed, MCP jackass who wants to get hitched so that he could split the housework with his wife!!!

That Omnious Feeling

This time I am not alone! All of us have “this feeling.” Call it a premonition, a hunch, an omen if you will…but these skills were buried in our genome code from the moment we are formed.
Quite understandably though, us ladies are blessed with a rather higher quotient in intuitive intelligence or let’s just keep it short and call it “II”.
One of my colleagues once mentioned to me that as per an empirical study that was conducted comparing the female psyche to that of the male, it was proven that females harbor security and intuitive skills far greater than that of males!!
And where is all this psycho babble leading to you wonder…
Well wonder no more! I am talking about the psychic connect between females and marriage proposals!
It’s like this…almost all females know when there is a proposal pending! Our senses are so honed that without the parents even mentioning that there is a new proposal surfacing, the girl is completely aware that she is in for trouble!
I have managed to link up a few of the common pointers that can help ANY girl develop her homing senses:

=) You hear your computer repulsed parents speaking pure Yahoo and Google
=) Your sisters and brothers give you annoyingly pitiful looks
=) Your mum refuses to give you another piece of fried chicken
=) Asking permission for an outing with some guy pals would sound equivalent to saying “Dad, could I please watch movies with pornographic content?”
=) A boy calling up the house would raise more than one eyebrow and cause a dip in the smile factor
=) Comparisons with girl cousins, daughters of family friends and complete strangers on subject ranging from the length and texture of the hair to the width of ones glutus maximus.
=) Your mum insists on you decking up like a bride for every single outing…even be it going to the grocers for a kg of sugar.
=) Lesser and lesser importance being given to bunking college and coaching classes and hyperventilation in case of a missed upper lip and manicure appointment.
=) Making sure one always carries an umbrella…chuck the point blank stunned looks from everyone around.
=) Bleach splattered on ones face every 2nd week
=) You feel your aunts hang out more with you and speak to "each other" in rather loud octaves on the qualities an ideal bahu should possess.
=) Your mum starts insisting that you at least learn how to boil water!
=) You feel people around you have started sniggering and whispering much more than before, and you are NEVER part of the conversation.
=) You catch your dad scrutinizing his bank accounts, properties and life savings a lot more
=) You see your mum mooning away at kancheevarams and jewellery in the bridal section
=) You are forbidden from having orkut and facebook accounts
=) You find complete strangers with a leather case filled with pictures and bio datas week after week at your place.

However, us ladies really don’t need the above indicators to know that our wings are about to be clipped. The pure magic of that ominous feeling is that, even before the horn blares and the lights flash in the eyes…we know that our hearse has come for us!! ;)
Good luck to you parents!

The Cursed gift

Forgive me if i sound like a clichéd spidey movie BUT…I know for a fact that I have a gift and a curse.

When it comes to proposals…I am eternally detached and completely devoid of human emotions. It’s not like I phase into a werewolf at the mention of bharatmatrimony or chavaramatrimony (The complete mal matri site!) but I turn off being human and become this…Zomboid (Zombie+Humanoid). I don’t know how it is but I would for one minute be jabbering happily with my mum over the phone and suddenly, out pops a myriad of names: Jaimon, jomon, jesmon and lotsa other mons who have graced my life and then ZAAAAAAAAP! WHOOOOOOSH! I am a zomboid! All I hear are my mums shrieks when it finally sinks into her that I am not listening and then the slam of the phone with an “I don’t know what to do with this girl” as an attachment.

Sometimes, I feel no pulse at my wrists and my heart feels so still, for a moment it’s like I am in a twilight zone or a character in a Stephen King novel. I don’t know why this happens. Maybe it has something to do with how excited my mum sounds when she describes each dumb proposal. Or maybe it’s the fact that another long fight session would ensue in a matter of days between my mum and me. Or maybe it’s the fact that I have to stop being me and start being whom the guy wants me to be. Maybe it’s because I have to answer the guy’s call no matter how dumb, obnoxious, rude, cunning or crass he turns out to be.
Maybe it’s because I have to do everything to please the guy, forget the fact that I hate him. Maybe its because my mum discards quite a few great looking salwaars of mine when a particular proposal does not happen (I have mentioned this weird habit before!). Maybe it is because I know how desperate my parents are to get me married off and it seems they will settle for something that’s so not what I would be worth. Maybe I should stop with the maybes!

So how is it a gift and a curse? I have an extraordinary talent of distinguishing the nice proposals from the not so nice proposals (which my folks refuse to accept) and when the nice proposals come in, that’s when my zomboid state helps me the most! I put on such a charade that the guy just takes off like his tail is on fire! My notion of a nice guy? One who gets to see though this charade of mine and see me for the person I am…
I am not sure when I will get married because that glorious rose-tinted effect that one’s first few proposals brings is so over by the time you shed tears and hold your exasperation in so hard for so long that your lungs feel good to burst!
My state I feel is sometimes a curse…I feel I have lost the qualities of love, trust and patience. I do miss those emotions. I do wish I had them. I do wish to get married…someday. I DO…but not to a MON puh llllllleeeeeeeeeez!!!

The "F" Factor

Now no naughty thoughts there…I am merely referring to the other great “F” factor called FORCE!

I always hated physics! I could not differentiate one theorem from another and I take this opportunity to confess that the night before the Physics boards, I sat reading Harry Potter cleverly hidden between my big, fat history test book! (So sue me now!)

At 3am last morning, revelation struck me! My mother was in some way related to Sir Newton…Do not doubt me, I have the name right…SIR ISSAC NEWTON! That is when I started an extensive research. And lo and behold! I found that both my mum and Sir Newton thought on exactly the same lines! Of course the context is completely different, but the rationale behind the thought is the very same! You would be astounded at my findings!

All you physics buffs out there would word for word know the 3 laws of motion as proposed by Sir. Newton, for those who like me tend to think about apple pit when an apple falls on the head, these are the three laws:

POINT OF COMPARISON :1

Newton’s First Law of motion

An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted on by an unbalanced force. An object in motion continues in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.
“This means that there is a natural tendency of objects to keep on doing what they're doing. All objects resist changes in their state of motion. In the absence of an unbalanced force, an object in motion will maintain this state of motion.”

(This is what my mum feels about my life. She feels that I live a dreary life, monotonous and a complete drag and did I mention monotonous?)

Mum’s first law of marriage:

“A person will continue in his/her dreary life unless acted upon by a force completely into making him/her get married. If this force is not applied, the person is mostly likely set to die a bachelor/spinster (which parents just cannot deal with EVER!)”

POINT OF COMPARISON :2

Newton’s Second Law of motion

Acceleration is produced when a force acts on a mass. The greater the mass (of the object being accelerated) the greater the amount of force needed (to accelerate the object).
Everyone unconsciously knows the Second Law. Everyone knows that heavier objects require more force to move the same distance as lighter objects

(My mum knows that she requires a lot more force to get me to meet proposals and talk to guys and stuff. Her negotiation and conviction skills have evolved drastically over time! So the greater the wall I put up against marriage, the harder she pushes!)

Mum’s second law of marriage:

“Desired results are produced when force of conviction and negotiation acts on a person. The greater the resistance, the harder the parents should force, convince and negotiate!”

POINT OF COMPARISON: 3

For every action there is an equal and opposite re-action.
“This means that for every force there is a reaction force that is equal in size, but opposite in direction. That is to say that whenever an object pushes another object it gets pushed back in the opposite direction equally hard.”

(My mum is relentless with proposals. She throws a dozen at me every 2 hours! I wonder where she gets this gargantuan mass of “splendid, amazing matches” from!
Perhaps this is the defining similarity between Sir Newton and my mum…no matter how much we push back she pushes even more!)

Mum’s third law of marriage:

“Every NO to a proposal demands a barrage of proposal matching that NO decibel for decibel and intensity for intensity”

Trust me…just ask any person hounded by proposals…I’m sure they would have these marriage laws by heart…how do you think some people have stayed single and blissful for so long?

Witches, Snitches and Plain BITCHES!

Oh god! The world of marriage is indeed fraught with peril! First of all one has to have the looks, the brains, the qualifications, the wealth and the family status. On top of that in spite of the girl having the above mentioned qualities, the guy has to eventually like her and then, decide to get married to her.
Now that itself is no easy task and the courting might go on for weeks, months or years even! And in the end the guy has all the right to dump the girl with a simple reason such as “She does not look at me with moony eyes when I talk” or “She has 2 friends who are guys!” Egad! Now those reasons are bound to give any self-respecting girl out there a major headache!
I have been through quite a few reasons as to why the guy said no to my proposal…the reasons will soon appear on my blog…guess you’ll have to wait for a bit.
It is however, not just the guy who says no on his own accord but then there a few (a very potent few though) witches, snitches and big, fat plain bitches who contribute enough dirty tales to the guy’s family to help make up their minds. These loony toones have nothing better to do in their lives except do what they do best…Bitch! Bitch! And bitch from the moment the sun comes up till whenever it is that their husbands come home and scream for his evening chaaya!
Lemme get into a bit of detail now. There are three top reasons why a person becomes a bitch, snitch or a witch (in the case of guys…bas****, snitch (no gender specification there) and warlock!) :

Reason #3: Green eyed queens
These people are just jealous of everyone around them. In my language I would call it “Psycho-Neuro-supernova-jealous syndrome”. They just cant stand anyone (be it your neighbor, be it someone they don’t even know) leading the good life! Why, they might just throw a stone at someone’s noggin just because they feel that they cross the street too nicely. These bitches are harmless, because everyone knows for a fact that they are bitches. One look at those horns on the head and green slit iris and sturdy pointed tail and there you have a green eyed queen! (They don’t make it so obvious though) but the good part is that their conviction levels are quite low. So no matter how much they chatter, no one would even give a flying fart.

Reason#2: A bloody dysfunctional family
Imagine if all one got to see everyday was a drunken husband, crazy kids and a mother or sister in law one would happily kill and go to jail for? Some bitches have this as a backing. They are so traumatized by their own hapless lives that they prey like energy vamps on the happiness quotient that they see in families around them.
I mean it’s simple to screw up someone’s family life. Let me put it as an example:
Imagine if your mum has employed a maid from a rather poor background and she sees that your family is the epitome of happiness. She can’t stand the fact that she can’t have the same happiness. How’s about a lipstick smear on daddy’s favorite shirt or hows about mummy’s favorite bracelet found under your mattress. Yeah..this would do…I suppose you get the drift right?

Reason #1: A screw loose in the head
Most bitches do not need a reason to mess up someone else’s life. They just do it because to them that’s the way of life. Now these individuals could plainly resemble an acorn that is cracked and rotten because that’s just the way they are built. Bitching runs through their veins and no matter how many transfusions one gives them, they get right back to bitching. I truly sympathize with these folks…they’re helpless. Bitching to these folks is like the air we breathe…tut tut! Now these are the dangerous ones. One can NEVER ever tell that a lady with reason #1 as an issue is actually a bitch! They would seem so sweet and lovely, that even if they bitch about you on your face, you would just brush it off saying that they were being diplomatic! Yeah! That’s how good they are!

I am a celebrity amongst the bitches in my town. I stay in a place where everyone’s business is everyone’s business. I live there like a Britney or a Paris…yeah controversies all the time…and 99.9% of the time…I hear new stories about myself everyday! What a life I lead! Imagine people speaking about me all the time! Discussing my life! Giving my life new directions I have not even explored!! Chills and thrills!
You may soon see flashbulbs setting off around me and for all you know I may be the next face of their daily mag “Good Bitchkeeping”!

(Well…those bitches are not the only ones who know the art of bitching! ;)

Oh my god! You're 19!!

I celebrate all my birthdays! I just love the fact that I am going to explore more of this wonderful world with each passing birthday! I particularly celebrated my 13th, 16th, 18th, 19th and 20th birthdays with royal pomp and show!

When I was in my 10th grade, my mom called me to her room and gave me a small shocker. At the time it wasn’t one but now when I think about it, it was like making love to a livewire!
So there was me and mom and about a 100(without too much exaggeration…ok fine maybe a bit!) boxes spread out on her bed. We start a conversation about the future. My studies and what I intended to do after that. And then she popped open a grenade from her arsenal kitty.
“For your marriage!” she proclaimed and proceeded to adorn me with a humongous collection of gold (urgh) jewellery!
I just don’t understand what it is with Indian women. Particularly malayalis. The moment a girl shows the slightest signs of a bosom she is herded away from the usual crowd of uncles and boy cousins and “boy friends” into “safe” (according to them) cocoons (though considering the society we live in, yeah maybe we all do need our own, personal cocoons!) slowly metamorphosizing into a lady all prepped up and ready to become wonderfully settled in life!

No ways am I trying to be one of those pseudo feminist rights group member. I do believe in marriage its just my humble opinion that girls are usually programmed into thinking that they have nothing better to do in life other than get married, have children and take care of ones husband! I am just happy to see that most Indian women are at least breaking free of this blight at some point. Applaud yourself ladies! You sure showed them all!
I saw my first proposal when I was 19 years of age. Did I hear a gasp? Well it was fun the first time I assure you. I have always loved the thrill of new experiences. There was always that “what to expect” factor coming into play.

So I got all decked up…and yeah I was pretty tensed. More tensed than I needed to be actually...but then it was my first time so I’ll need a break there.
As per the aunty who brought the proposal, the guy was a catch…I don’t remember what he did but I do recall that he was working in Singapore. I think I was wearing a red salwaar. And yes, it was with heavy work…(Pssst…After a couple of proposals bombed in the same dress, it was cast away as unlucky! Talk about idiotic beliefs or whatever!).
The aunt who got the proposal (let’s just call her JUDAS for the time being) had already arrived and inspected me top to toe and proclaimed that I looked gorgeous. Then another aunty arrived and yet another. Being the eldest girl in the family, my first proposal was a huge affair.
As usual the “Goldwinner” snacks (Pls refer blog: The most awaited banquet) were arranged and I sat there with a million of my relatives around me, anxiously waiting for Prince Charming. It was a special moment for me as well, I must admit. I mean, come on, when is the last time you have relatives falling all over trying to make you happy and pamper you and make you look just right? I felt like a queen…but it was not for long I assure you!

Sccccccrrrreeeechhhh!!! I could hear the boy’s car outside. My stomach was a bundle of nerves!
As tradition has it, the girl must stand in some far corner away from the prying eyes of the boy and the family and emerge like a glorious butterfly only after she is summoned! I unfortunately had to wait on the first floor.
I could hear his and hellos exchanged, god forsakenly idiotic comments and very much forced laughter. I didn’t know it was just a white dwarf to the supersonic explosion of his and hellos, idiotic comments and forced laughter that was to follow me for the many years to come!

As I sat there perspiring a bit, I heard my mum give the dreaded signal to emerge!
Imagine this…walking down an entire flight of stairs with ones high heels meeting the steps in an insane cacophony, add about 12 pairs of eyes fixed pointedly at one and yes, that made my grand entrance!!
I sat across the prospective groom and as instructed, was not supposed to glare at him or check him out up and down. I could not help it…I gave one look and almost burst out laughing. My proposal was quite a catch indeed! One catches whales; sharks and maybe tuna but I had me a sardine! A fair sardine and maybe not ugly or smelly but a sardine none the less! The guy was half my size (and I was pretty slim in those days; sigh!!) and he looked like he was threatened and tortured into coming by his mum and dad (who if I start describing would end up looking too rude!) His eyes were darting here and there and he looked like a lost soul.
The aunties and uncles started jabbering away.
In midst of slurping a glass of apple juice and milk, the guy’s mum said “Mone, Kuttiyude aduthu poyi irrunu samsariku. Ningalku enthengilum parayan indaville?”
(Son, go sit next to the girl and speak with her. You both might have something to talk right?)
The above is a dialogue that will never run short in any malayali proposal!

If the imagined the guy to be any vegetable, I would say he was a beet; because the minute his mother asked him to sit near me, he turned so red, he would have put any county fair beetroots to shame! He just shook his head and stayed put! In fact I don’t even recall him opening his mouth except to accept a forced upon chicken sandwich!

I guess the chapter was closed then and there. Though they did call up after they left saying that they liked me and were interested in taking it to the next level!
My mum brought out her “Magic Excuse Box” and said that the guy was too thin and would not be an apt match for me or some nonsense like that.

I do remember however that on that particular day, for some reason, the sausages tasted extra yummy!