Types of people at funerals

Disclaimer: i understand that the topic may seem distasteful to some, but it is in no way intended to hurt or belittle anyone in any manner. I write this with anger and sadness having seen and experienced several such people myself.

We Mourn our loved ones during a funeral. We grieve, we take time to adjust ourselves to reality, we take in the emptiness and express our eternal love.
During this heart wrenching time, we find comfort and peace amongst some amazing family members and close friends.
BUT there are some individuals whose presence at such a solemn function i can never understand. Their behavior tends to disrupt, dishearten and cause intense despair to those in pain. I've segregated them into 8 misery inducing groups, read on:

1) The Storyteller

These are the kind of people who come riding into the house with a ton of stories about the deceased person and his/her relatives. It ranges from the lines of "I remember when i plucked a mango from that tree outside and gave it to him" and "oh she used to love playing in that tiny pond in the next field" and "He told me i was his favorite! I was his best friend! We did everything together" ok now you take a break and let me tell you a story, the relatives of your deceased friend would much appreciate your silent but hands on presence. Help out, comfort and most importantly, be quiet. Your stories not only disturb everyone around you, it evokes way too many memories that really doesn't help anyone at the time.

2) The Town crier

It really irks me when some distant relation (I'm talking brother's uncle's cousin's sister's father in laws sister's daughter) bursts into the funeral setting and starts wailing away to kingdom come. Beating her bosom, falling all over the grieving relatives, rolling all over the floor, throwing themselves at the body and just causing a right nonsensical scene while everyone just stares uncomfortably. In some cases, I've seen these people turn normal to greet someone and then go right back to the oscar performance. I don't even think they realize the mental agony they cause the close relatives of the deceased.
In such cases, the best thing to do is to escort the character to a room in the farthest corner and let them calm the heck down.

3) The Blackmailer

These are probably the worst kind of people alive. They are the ones who totally disfigure the memory of the deceased individual and use it to rake up a set of emotional blackmail sentences and throw it at the relatives (most often at the children). "It was your mother's dearest wish for you to give her a grandchild before she died", "your father wished for you to take over his business rather than follow your passion", "oh if only you had married the proposal i brought just like your mother wished" i mean what the! Don't these people with clay for brains even understand what they are saying? It's like the relay between brain and mouth that governs what to say when has shut down permanently; because if you can go to a funeral and make lives even more miserable, you certainly don't qualify to be called fully functional! In such cases, they should be taken to the same corner room and asked to zip it or leave.

4) The Chatterbox

And then there is that person who keeps chattering on the phone,  giving live updates about the funeral and everything that's happening around. "Yes the pandit just came in...he is sitting down...he has started the pooja...aunty so and so just walked in...she is wailing...yes she is wearing make up..." i mean seriously? You happen to be at a funeral person-with-cellphone not at a sports show, the least you can do is show some respect. And person-on-the-line, if you don't have the care or concern to attend the function, then steer clear of even asking about it. Walk up to this phone happy character and ask him/her to shut off the phone and behave with respect.

5) The Black hole 

This individual is a walking human black hole. It's amazing how they can suck even the smallest ray of hope and positivity into their dark, dank self and mutate it to form horrendous negative statements that cling onto the pysche for a long time to come!
"Oh my god...i don't know how you guys are going to survive", "such things happen when you're too happy about life", "has he left you any money to tide you over?", "i knew this would happen! I told him not to drink so much!"
Sometimes i feel like going up to such people and asking them if they have an itch they cannot reach. Why else would they do this at such a horrible time in someone's life? So here's a joke for you..."knock knock", "who's there", "shut up and keep your opinions to yourself"

6) The Socializer

I have seen this happen at so many funerals. I feel such pain for the relatives who have lost a precious part of their lives and amidst all the grief, there are those who treat it as an opportunity to have a reunion! "Ah hallo! Long time no see!" "How's your son? How's your daughter", "are they married? No? Don't worry i have the perfect boy for her! See that handsome young man sitting in the corner? What a catch!" Oh dear lord stop! There is a death in the family and you treat it like the theme for a high school renuion or a F.R.I.E.N.D.S season 11? Get out of that house and go sit in a cafe coffee day or something.

7) The Goody two shoes

This person is the exact opposite of the black hole. It is not bad to be nice but sweet to the point of not giving any personal space to grieve is suffocating! Your presence is welcome initially because you do all the right things. You offer strength and support, you lend a helping hand and you're always with those who need you. After a point however, you lose your sense of personal space and excessive sweetness does nothing but make the situation totally diabetic in nature. Those who grieve need time alone to get in touch with reality. These saccharine characters try to force feed the mourning happiness and that just does not work. Calling them out for dinners and get togethers ( after a few days) or lets say calling them non stop...after a point, becomes a pain. So back up a little. Be your sweet self but give a little room to heal as well.

8) The Complaint box

I end with the second worst people on the list; those who attend funerals to complain. "Just look at the tacky flowers he ordered", "such a second rate coffin", "honestly, she could have given him a better burial", "I'm so thirsty! They didn't bother keeping some water handy", "i can't even believe they booked that church". Excuse me? Who made you queen/ king of the world?
Instead of trying to console the grieving, they sit around and ridicule everything in sight and what's worse, they even say horrid things about the deceased! Oh wow! I have once overheard (not difficult at all since they had all the grace of two foghorns) two ladies next to me say "yeah he was never a good man...his wife hated him...seems he had an affair..." seriously? Seriously? Why don't you just head on back home, switch on some serials and get up to date with some drama and gossip there?

The next time you see someone that fits the above mentioned categories at a funeral, let them know that their behavior is not appreciated in the least. I have done it a couple of times and despite angry, unbelieving stares, the message gets across.

Why i HATE shopping

I hate shopping. Coming from a woman, I know it sounds absolutely absurd but this is the in-your-face truth. I hate shopping. Ok ok more specifically I (more than hate) DREAD shopping with my mum.
Now that I have learnt how to drive and proclaimed by all to be a good enough driver, I have been promoted to the status of being my mum's official chauffer. My sister's wedding preparations are underway and there is absolutely no room to breathe. Half the time we hit the city with bundles of dresses and materials to be stitched, huge agendas and a 10 month old who bawls away for no reason.
Preparation for a day of shopping happens the previous night itself when my mum comes into my bedroom armed with jewellery designs, a towering pile of materials, sample cards and a stress ridden face that promptly proclaims that we have absolutely no time and so much to do.
So we sit and put together an extensive list of what time we need to leave, the shops we need to hit and how much time to spend in each shop.
This was the list we put together two nights back:

11:00 Leave home
11:45 Reach Convent Junction
           Head over to S designs
           Hit Goodwill
1:00   Lunch
1:30  Go to M.G.Road
          Visit Milan
          Alappat Heritage showroom
4:30  A quick coffee and head home

I am super proud of my organizational skills and i must say, i am equally proud of my mum who never manages to adhere to a single one of my lists.
It's not that she doesn't try folks. It's just that the pull of shopping always wins hands down.

So there i was driving and reminding my mum over and over again about the importance of sticking to the list. Uh-huh she goes. Definitely she says. Absolutely she nods.
I think of the many,many miracles performed by Jesus and give myself hope for a miracle atleast this time around.

So we reach the city. I park while my mum takes my son in his walker and the mountains of bags out of the car. I ask her specifically to wait for me outside S desgins; that we would go in together. Specifically. Outside. S designs.
I park and come around and of course no sign of my mum, my son or the mountain of bags. Assuming she went into S design, i rush in climb their three floors approximately 3 times in a vain search, finally give up and come outside panting and see her happily strolling out from the adjoining clothing store.

"Oooh! There was a lovely sale here! Look at the material i found! Lucky i went it!"
"Amma i asked you to wait outside! I was running around trying to find you!"
But my rolling eyes and gasping complaints were silenced by her quick disappearing act. She was already browsing through the stuff in S designs by the time i finished the first sentence. Ah well! Atleast she was in S designs.
It is 12 and we were still at S designs. My mum is ransacking their shelves for a special colour. She was looking for a purple that is not the colour of a brinjal or a plum. "Something in between she keeps saying" rummaging through their selection of purple material. "Is that all the purple you have?", "Show me some more", "Do you have this in georgette?" The questions go on and the staff begins to look more and more surly. Somehow her search from purple moves on to reds, blues, greens, yellows; infact every colour under the spectrum except purple. When one chimes on a store clock i am in absolute awe at all the sans purple material my mum has managed to dig out. I tug at her salwaar rather frantically telling her we have lots of work to do.
"Yes! Yes!" She says and shrugs me off, promptly moving to the sarees section. Lord knows for what though! I ask her the question and she goes on about how they would be functions AFTER the wedding for which she needed to prepared. After people, after!
By 2:00 pm, i managed to tear her from the store (no she didn't get the perfect purple) and shove her into Goodwill.
By this time my son has woken up and after a feed, starts crawling all over the place. I keep a steady jog ignoring the steely looks from ladies who i bump into and whose feet i stamp in the vain attempt to keep up with my son on an absolute hyper mode!
My mum shifts from earrings to necklaces to make up to bags to wigs (yes wigs! And though she had perfectly good hair, bought a hair piece that looked like the tail off a petrified squirrel! Inspite of the bickering she put her foot down and said she was going to wear it but on the wedding day, she could not find it. She never will. Not where my sister and me hid it on her! ;)) to bracelets to plastic flowers to lord knows what else at an equally hyperactive mode.
By 2:30, i literally screamed for food. "Feed me! Feed me!" I screamed! My son screamed along with me as it amused him so!
Without taking her eyes off a pair of glittering earrings, she asked me to grab a bite. When i ask her if she didn't want to eat, she didn't even hear me! I swear the essence that comes off clothing and accessory stores is purely what sustains her. I mean the woman goes a whole day without food or water while shopping. How is that even remotely possible???

Anyway so i eat at the speed of light (i usually eat at the speed of sound) and then ran up to see my mum still holding up and examining the SAME pair of earrings she was holding half an hour back. What? Heh? What in the world i ask her! And she says she is checking if the purple in the earrings is the same elusive purple she was hunting the world for. Oy ve!

At 4, we head on over to Milan. I sit in one corner my hair in my fists as my son makes tents out of the mountains of purple my mother pulls out of the stacks. A sales lady seeing my helpless situation, brings me a cup of coffee and a side of sympathy.   Again the rainbow charade happens when from purple my mum moves through a kaleidoscope of colours not one bit related to the wedding theme.
I am just about ready to book myself out when the miracle of the century happens! "They have nothing i want here" my announces annoyed and giving the sales people a hawk like look she sweeps out of the store. It takes me a while to register that we were done with material shopping for one day! I almost cried with happiness. Then i cried with utter disappointment! We still had Jewellery hunting to wrap up!
By 6, the burger in my tummy has said bye bye and the internal organs eagerly wait for a new friend to digest. I have tried on half the jewellery in the store and yet my mum does not find the exact one she is looking for (surprise!) What surprised me even more that even after hours of staring at bling non stop, she still has eagle eyes! (For eg: the 30° bend on one petal on the 16th flower in this necklace is off by one degree type eagle eyes!) I on the other hand was ready to do a Charles Ray for life.
By the time we get home, my mum is brimming with happiness and absolutely full from the thrill of the hunt. I felt kidnapped, tortured and starved. I drag myself home, bathe and feed my son, bath and feed myself and throw myself onto my bed for a night of complete blackout.
But no! In marches the hunter with another set of lists for tomorrow. I cried. 

Dear Daddy

An exclusive poem written for an order for Hall of Frame. Visit:    Hall of Frame  to see the final product.


This may seem surprising daddy
But did you know
Even before i could see you
I knew you so

I knew your voice
And your caress
As you showered mummy
With nothing but the best

When you sat beside me
And held mummy's hand
And talked and talked about me
Yes! All I did understand

To come out and see you
I couldn't have been more ready!
Lucky am i to be born
Your daughter dear daddy

When you made mummy smile
You made me smile too
When you hugged her tight
You hugged me too

On your birthday daddy
This is what i want to say
I am the happiest baby in the world
Whenever in your arms in lay

Untitled

I see you sitting there
And stare at you with wonder
My son! I think in amazement
And my brain is filled with thunder

This little boy inside me grew
Over a year ago
And now here he runs around
Asking me, a flower to show

I pull the little human into my arms
And crush my face into his neck
And breathe in his sweetness
While in turn he covers me with pecks

Then squealing he runs back into
His little world rainbow filled
With wonderous sights and sounds
While i pick up after my heart that's bubbled over and spilled

He brings me his favorite books
Over and over i read the same story
And just when i by heart every line
He runs off to play with his miniature lorry

Sometimes he runs up to me
And grabs me tight around my legs
Pure love fills to the brim my soul
And hangs my heart up on pegs

Everyday he learns a new word
And it's more than i can bear
With absolute delight as he mouths
Pear! There! Care! Share!

Evenings i really look forward to
For that is when mum and son
Play, read, and have so much fun
Just me and my little one

Today he sat on my lap
And cupped my cheeks with tiny hands as cool as rain
And as his eyes roam over my face
"Amma" he says again and again

My body explodes with fierce motherly joy
And my pulse begins to race
This little angel is a divine part of me
For he stole my heart and left me himself in its place

Who you are

What do I tell you sister

On your big day?

What advice do I give you

What do I say?

May your dreams come true

Is a tale so old

May you be happy

Has too much been told

What if I ask you

To be who you are today

To be that amazing woman

That’s what I would want to say

To be your bold self

To let your heart rule

And stay true to yourself

Through and through

Your unbreakable spirit

Your amazing will

Your beautiful aura

That seeks life out as a thrill

With fire in your heart

And steel in your eyes

Be just who you are

Happiness will find you, you won’t even have to try

Hello Outside World!

It's been months since you've seen the outside world. You've become so pale you've started resembling Bella from The Twilight series. You so badly long for a glimpse of what's happening beyond the four walls of the house that you keep your face plastered to the window and even a bird flying past fills you with crazy happiness!

Welcome to the world of the "first months after delivery". I'm thankfully past this phase and trust me when I say I I do not want to go back there again! Spending time with my little guy was fun but sometimes depressions sets in because every single day it was the same house, same room, same walls and same faces. Initially it doesn't seem so bad but after 3 months it becomes the worst sort of hell ever!
But then all of a sudden 4 months are over and everyone decides to take you and the baby for dinner OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. Happy? Yes, well here's a little secret. What you are about to face is the worst, more horrible nightmare ever! You'd never know what to expect. You'd never know what's going to happen.

I was super thrilled for our first outing and I was even more thrilled to reach back home! It was a total disaster. Everything that could possibly go wrong went wrong that day and by the time we reached back home all I wanted to do was turn back time and pretend like those 3 hours never happened! But then we did go out a few more times. Each time was a learning. Now I am a lot more prepared and I wanted to pass on some wisdom to all new mamas out there. These points come straight from personal experience. So here we go, tips on how to stay sane during outings ( especially dinner outings).

1) Take even the kitchen sink

The saying "everything but the kitchen sink" does apply here. For your first outings, take everything you feel your baby remotely needs. Anything and everything. Yes you will look like you've packed for a one way ticket to the moon but that's ok. After the first few outings you can slowly leave behind things you don't use much. And please pack your baby bag beforehand; not right when you leave. Chances are you will forget the most important things like diapers!

2) Strength in numbers

Planning to a romantic dinner with the hubby? With the baby and just you two around that is NOT going to happen. I know of a friend who spent her anniversary dinner with her husband taking turns holding the baby and eating dinner one at a time. Unless your baby sleeps throughout the dinner you can be rest assured that turns will be taken.
So even if your romantic bubble is busted, take a couple of trusted family members or friends with you. A group outing is best until you learn the ropes on how best to handle the baby on your own during outings.

3) The 10 minute dinner

Always be prepared to leave within the first half hour of entering the restaurant. You'd never know what could happen. The baby might scream away to Kingdom come. The baby might fall really sick and throw up all over. You might be totally uncomfortable in the restaurant. Whatever the pressing reason, always be prepared to run!

4) Snack and go

Which brings me to my 4th point. Always have a light, healthy snack before you leave the house. For my 1st outing,the baby cried so much we had to leave before we could eat anything and grabbing a take out burger on the way was the only option! So prepare yourself a nice snack before you leave for the restaurant. It really helps.

5) Dress appropriately

First outing and you want to look all flashy despite the post prenancy weight. Feeling good is great but not at the risk of complete inaccessibility. You need to be breast feed ready. What you wear should be such that you can easily lift or unbutton without having to wrestle. I made the mistake of wearing a tight salwaar for my 1st outing. With the baby screaming, me sweating and the salwaar sticking like a body suit to my flabby self I almost had to rip it in two just to get my baby to breast feed. You do not want to go there!

6) Call in advance

Make sure you call the restaurant in advance and let them know about your requirements. A crib or bassinet, a quiet corner of the restaurant for seating, a breast feeding area. Do not jump in and surprise them. The restaurant management would also appreciate the heads up and you would have ease of mind as well.

7) Quick bites

Make sure you order food that is easy to eat. Nothing that soils the hands and nothing that needs both ur hands occupied. Steaks and super saucy dishes are out of the question. Order something light and easy to spear using a fork would be best. Make sure you always have your hands clean and relatively free throughout the meal so that you can pick up your baby the moment he starts wailing.

8) Keep at it

And finally, do not give up! Sure even if your first outing was a disaster just keep at it! Things will slowly but surely start getting better; you would fall into rhythm and start enjoying yourself. So not stop trying!

Happy 1st outing ladies!

A Fairy Queen

When i was a little girl, there were a few precious moments in life that held my curious mind in a deliciously happy trance. Small things like spiderwebs glittering with diamond like morning dew, the smell of earth after being caressed by the rain, the beautiful arch of a brilliant rainbow and my mother applying make up.
I kid you not. My mother applying make up was my moment of utter rapture. I loved (and still do) watching my mum dress up in gorgeous clothes, bedeck herself with jewellery and accent her beautiful features with a dab of make up. Just watching the whole affair made me feel like I was in a fairy tale that was unfurling with a generous sprinkling of pixie dust and a flourish or two of a magic wand.

When it was time to dress,my mum would switch on her vanity table light. The entire room would then be bathed in a glorious amber and there on the bed would lay sparkling her selection of sarees and matching jewellery. My mum selects a saree, matches it with shoes that would put Cinderella to shame and finally pairs it all with pretty jewellery.
That done, she would sit down at her vanity table ready to do up her face.

My mum's vanity table definitely needs special mention. It had 4 drawers which my siblings and I were forbidden from opening (an order we gladly DISobeyed!). 

In each drawer we would discover treasure troves of pretty things from lipsticks to hairclips, dainty pieces of jewellery, vials of lotions, glass bangles, bindis and what not. Each item always held the three of us in absolute awe! The surface of the table would have carefully arranged bottles of creams, perfumes and nail polishes (with a teeny corner reserved for my dad's stuff!). Oh! The number of times we sifted through everything and the number of failed attempts at putting everything back in place...such memories!

I fondly remember the way the warm caramel glow reflected off my mum's happy face. A little dab of face cream, a light foundation and a final pat of loose powder to hold it all in place. Then she would stand up and bring her face up close to the mirror and line her eyes in two brilliant strokes. I can't even begin to put to words how her eyes danced the moment the kajal touched her lids. A slight puckering of the lips and on goes the rouge. And then the moment that makes the whole scene worth watching. The way she applied lipstick. To this day I sit watching with wonder the way that little stick of colour glides effortlessly onto my mums lips turning them ravishing red, peachy pink, magnificent maroon and beautiful brown.

A quick but perfect tying of the saree-check, jewellery-check, shoes-check and a final look in the mirror. My fairytale Queen was all set. For some reason seeing my mum standing there all dressed up and lovely made me swell with pride and happiness. It's a feeling I can never explain.

Before she leaves, she looks at me, shows me her saree colour and asks me to pick her the perfect matching hanky. So thrilled I was to be part of the magic that I would run as fast as my little legs could carry me and plow through her rainbow mound of cloth hankies with the skill of a master. Discovering the perfect hanky was like discovering the most valuable treasure ever!
Off I run again clutching that tiny coloured square close to my chest and shyly hand it over to my fairy queen. She would reward me with a wide smile and a wave of her hand as she closed the door behind her.

Just the other day, my mum was getting dressed for a party and there I sat 30 years of age feeling all of 7 watching her with the same wonder as I did 23 years ago. A dab of magic, a smear of shine, a pat of pixie dust and a happily ever after. Some things never cease to be breathtaking.

That time of YEAR

I am going to tell you something that will indubitably make your day a 100% more awesome.
"There are just 76 days more to Christmas!!!" How happy as a snug bug in a rug did I make you huh?

I LOVE Christmas! I don't know what it is about this season that just sets my soul aglow with happiness!
Is it the decorations? The yummy feasts? The (ahem) gifts? Perhaps it's a pleasurable mix of it all but I just cannot put my finger on it! Come December the child in me appears apparates with an inexhaustible storehouse of energy and excitement! It's a happy rush to decorate the house and the tree and plan parties. Just writing this post has me ecstatic and we are only in October!

When my siblings and I were kids Christmas and New Year were days we would wait the entire year for! The main attraction being Santa Claus and the gifts he would leave us by the tree! It took us many more years to come to terms with the fact that Santa aka my parents were the ones leaving the gifts for us!! But the magic of it all was simply spectacular! The number of times the three of us tried desperately to stay up and see Santa? Countless. And the number of times we happily slept off? Also countless!

Gifts under the tree

One time I curled up on the couch and the twins took the two sofas around the tree. We waited until 11:30 pm (12 was when Santa was expected to drop in). Somehow we decided to play a game of "who can keep their eyes closed the longest" and I can safely say that all 3 of us won! Anyway bleary eyed in the morning we were greeted by cheerfully wrapped gifts and a LETTER from Santa asking us to be not naughty but nice all the time. I can't tell you how happy it made us! Imagine! Santa actually wrote to us!! We held onto the letter for the longest I can remember and then once "the Santa parents" came into light, we lost the letter in our past.

Another part of Christmas I adore is putting up the decorations. I love gazing endlessly at the strung up twinkle lights and the sparkling facade of the tree bedecked with ornaments.

The tree all decked up

Once the whole house sparkles and shines, i gaze around and just melt at the exquisite beauty of it all.

Christmas is a wonderful time for family and The Kunnel family has its own special Christmas traditions. It is church first thing in the morning followed by the entire family meeting up at our ancestral home. The eldest member of our family cuts a traditional plum cake and we have our fill of cake and wine.

Cake and wine

This is followed by a delicious breakfast of beef stew and fluffy bread and fresh fruit.

Yummy breakfast treats

Then till afternoon we sit around and talk and everyone pitches in to prepare the sumptuous Christmas lunch. And boy is the lunch menu expansive! Duck, chicken, pork, fish, cutlets, prawn, mutton, rice, veges...you name it and there it would be deliciously beckoning from the dining table.

Doing what we do best!

After we round of with dessert we roll over to the bedrooms and couches and sleep off the lunch torpor.

Table groaning under the weight of lunch

Late evening finds all of us up and hanging around the veranda nursing cups of hot coffee and tea and munching (yet again) on fried snacks (hey! It's Christmas and watching the waistline goes out the window!)
By nightfall, we start belting out Christmas carols. Cacophony to anyone who walks past our house but sweet, sweet music to our ears of course! Dinner is another elaborate affair with even more courses, an array of desserts and exchanging gifts. By the end of the day we are of bursting belly, content hearts, happy minds all lovingly enveloped by an aura of completeness.

Christmas 2014 is going to be extra special because it is my bugaboo's first. I can't wait to introduce him to the love, peace, joy and harmony this wonderful season brings! Fingers crossed the little guy has inherited his mothers fervent love of Christmas! Celebrations here we come!!