Walk with me: "Dog Tales"

Chennai I tell you is rife with dogs of every breed. And how do I know this? Of the two weeks that I have gone for my walks, I would have seen at least ten different dogs per day with a few that I have singled out because of their peculiar behavior. It’s like every turn I take presents me with a dog waiting to snap at my heels or a huge pile of dog turd that would love to join me for my walks. Please do understand that I love dogs! But some of them can be quite tiresome.
The ones that I have singled out are rather predictable. I can predict to the "t" when these doggies would even lift their leg for a leak. Of the 45 mins that I walk I encounter a few such predictable characters.

There is a decrepit little tea shop that some guys from my office sneak out to for some chai and chit chat. So I pass by that place a few times in the morning and I see the guy there doing stuff that the patrons should never see be done to their food. He was oogling a bit so I usually keep my head all high and mighty in the air when I walk past the place. One day however I happened to catch some movement right next to him and saw the most adorable little dog ever! It was so cute and furry and had the most amazing glittery eyes! But do not mistake this quiet demeanor one bit! One morning I happened to see the same cutiepie rip the lungi off a passerby! His star studded undies were not a delight I tell you!

Another dog I encounter is a vile, cruel beast and as weird as dogs can get! Forget the fact that the word Pomeranian stands for everything sweet, cute and cuddly because this dog thinks it’s a Doberman in a teeny weeny Pomeranian body! It constantly barks at anything it comes across. Right from humans scared shitless (the midget packs a real loud bark!) to rocks, paper bags, walls, flowers you name it and it’s been barked at! A tiny kid on a tricycle could flatten the fiend but does it care? No! And its owner is another piece of work. She plods along side the cretin; scratching her tousled hair and tripping on her voluminous night dress (with underskirt half out) tugging at its collar with great gusto while stealing flowers from all the neighboring houses! Plus this dog is the only one I have seen that drags its ass on the road and pees in a straight line! No I mean it! An absolute straight line!

Yet another dog I see everyday is one that thinks it is human. In fact the first time I saw this unusual canine, I thought there was some role reversal taking place! I was walking past a house and I noticed a cute golden retriever on the terrace. It would have stayed as cute as ever if I had not noticed that it was sitting on a chair. For 10 whole minutes the retriever and I stared at each other. It sat perfectly still watching the happenings on the road like any other human would. After a bit, its owner comes onto the terrace and gives it a saucer of tea and some dog biscuits! So there was the dog lapping up tea and crunching on bits of biscuit like any old timer who loves spending the early morn lazing.

Whatever the case may be, my morning is just not complete if I don’t come across these dogs, yes even the one with the “pee in a straight line” syndrome! Did I tell you about the time I was almost chased down by a bunch of strays playing hide and seek? I guess that’s a story for another time.

Walk with me- Effective wake up lines

It’s a miracle that I have been walking for as long as I have now. Usually I throw in a rather sweaty towel by the end of day 3 but thankfully my neighborhood is pretty nice, hence walking does not become too much of a drag. But to reach this point of bliss there is a long and tedious road that I need to travel. Actually opening my eyes and getting up from bed would be a starter. My body actually anticipates the alarm even before in rings and my bio clock would have me alert internally even before the drone starts. I groan inwardly and promise to get up after a minute or so. Sometimes the minute turns into a half hour and et’ voila I have missed my walk. Trust me I would not feel even half as guilty if I had killed a man and hid him in my basement. I think it’s a woman thing!

So by the end of the day if I have missed my walk, I am all grumpy and irritable and feel totally guilty! My sister told me that I don’t just glow after my walks, I “glow, glow!” And that makes me feel even more miserable because I have missed the “glow, glow” that makes heads turn!
To overcome this, I have developed a series of 6 very effective wake up lines that add a spring to step the moment I hear the alarm!

1) You don’t want to get up huh? Sure just lie about till your ass becomes ginormous! Then you sure as hell won’t be able to get up again!

2) Enjoy your sleep Ms. Walter Hudsen!

3) Remember that gorgeous satin dress on sale. The one you would great in if you were not so fat!

4) 3 slices of pizza happily making its way down to your butt and thighs

5) Just look at your sister for 3 minutes. Go ahead take a small peak. Do you still want to lie in bed?

6) Imagine if a zombie apocalypse happens…I don’t think the zombies are going to take pity and leave you alone just because you can’t run a minute without getting an asthma attack!

Yeah these lines usually get me up and running! If nothing works then a well aimed kick from my sister usually does! Any suggestions for more wake up lines? I need really effective ones!

"Walk with me"- The first step

An annoying drone filled my ears. Reluctantly, I cracked an eye open. It was still dark; which really said nothing because my flat stays dark even at 12 noon. My fingers groped around near my pillow for the source of the drone. My faithful BB displayed 5:45 am on its screen. My loud groan accompanied the drone and that went on for a bit till my sister (her of the amazing figure) turned over and mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like cuss words!
I shut off the alarm and sat up in bed bleary eyed. Her of the gorgeous figure slept in a teeny racer back top and baby doll shorts and I gave a sigh of envy as I gathered up my voluminous nightdress. My mind started playing a tug of war. The sleep devil said “Look at that pillow my dear…why! It’s calling out your name! Take to note the fluffy mattress and the covers. Its getting cold and the bed is so warm and cozy! Just another 10 mins won’t kill you!” My face stats to melt into a gooey, happy smile of content and I slowly start to drift toward my pillow with my face filled with sleep lust!
BLAM!! The walk angel pushes me back up “TEENU TERRENCE I am ashamed of you! Falling for the same trick day after day! Get your glutus maximus off the bed and get it back into shape! Lord knows you need it! Trust me a bit of fresh air will do you good!”
The fight was too much to take but somehow, the angel won. I dragged myself out of bed ad into the living room, switching on every single light possible so that I could dazzle myself awake. Not helpful. One stubbed toe later I wash my face and hunt around for my battle gear hissing and spitting at all the pizzas and burgers and biriyanis and brownies I had happily tucked away while my then slim body rubbed its fictitious palms together saying “Oh! You wait woman! I’m so going to make you pay!”
My battle attire looked like it was made for ants. My butt could never fit into those teeny track pants and I am not going make it with that little top. I really wished I could have gone out naked because the flab sticking out like a sore thumb in the midget clothes would have been even more embarrassing. Anyway being selfless enough not to create ruckus right in the morning, I molded myself into the clothes, camouflaging the hills and valleys until I looked decent enough a human being!
My only saving grace would be my ipod. I opened the door and ventured forth. I supposed my sister and I were the only young people in the locality because the road and park seemed jam packed with little ol grannies and grandpas who kept shooting smiles at me. I really couldn’t figure out if they were “Hi! Welcome to the neighborhood smiles” or sympathetic “So plump at your age!” smile. Either ways I returned the smiles with my evil mind thinking evil things like “I don’t have dentures!”, “I can walk faster than you!” Ha ha!
Thus started my liaison with walking. I have been successfully walking for more than 2 weeks now. Trust me! That’s dog years when it comes to me and my fitness regimes. What will keep me on this fitness trip would be support from everyone around me and of course my lazy self. I have had a lot of nice experiences during my walk and seen so many interesting people and incidents. Why not blog about my walk sessions I thought! So the next time you see a blog starting with the title “Walk with me” you know you’re going to read up about a lot of aches and pains and maybe a few smiles now and then!