Smile?

How banal they seem
The pictures on the wall
Snatches of time
Perfectly framed large to small

Look, there blossoms a smile
And a laugh that's seemingly true
Jealous eyes and meaningful tongues exclaim
"So happy they look, those two!"

Ha! Fooled you we did
With our well practiced charade
Our smiles and hugs and laughter
Hides the darkness that never seems to fade

He is a wife beater
She, a vicious gossip
He has many a mistress
Her disease for now a cut on her lip

He has a weakness for children
No not the right kind
She knows and still behaves
Conveniently blind

He craves her sister
She craves his cousin
He tortures his children
While she starves them thin

He plans to kill her
And she plans the same
Who knows which hunter will succeed
In this pulsating sinister game

He feels like a wash out
And wants to end his life
She adds poison to his tea
Tired of being his wife

So much darkness and yet
The smiles never falter
Throws poison pixie dust into the air
And make believe follows after

These smiles you see
They throw green grit in your eye
But little do you know
Behind each smile hides a little lie

Why i HATE shopping

I hate shopping. Coming from a woman, I know it sounds absolutely absurd but this is the in-your-face truth. I hate shopping. Ok ok more specifically I (more than hate) DREAD shopping with my mum.
Now that I have learnt how to drive and proclaimed by all to be a good enough driver, I have been promoted to the status of being my mum's official chauffer. My sister's wedding preparations are underway and there is absolutely no room to breathe. Half the time we hit the city with bundles of dresses and materials to be stitched, huge agendas and a 10 month old who bawls away for no reason.
Preparation for a day of shopping happens the previous night itself when my mum comes into my bedroom armed with jewellery designs, a towering pile of materials, sample cards and a stress ridden face that promptly proclaims that we have absolutely no time and so much to do.
So we sit and put together an extensive list of what time we need to leave, the shops we need to hit and how much time to spend in each shop.
This was the list we put together two nights back:

11:00 Leave home
11:45 Reach Convent Junction
           Head over to S designs
           Hit Goodwill
1:00   Lunch
1:30  Go to M.G.Road
          Visit Milan
          Alappat Heritage showroom
4:30  A quick coffee and head home

I am super proud of my organizational skills and i must say, i am equally proud of my mum who never manages to adhere to a single one of my lists.
It's not that she doesn't try folks. It's just that the pull of shopping always wins hands down.

So there i was driving and reminding my mum over and over again about the importance of sticking to the list. Uh-huh she goes. Definitely she says. Absolutely she nods.
I think of the many,many miracles performed by Jesus and give myself hope for a miracle atleast this time around.

So we reach the city. I park while my mum takes my son in his walker and the mountains of bags out of the car. I ask her specifically to wait for me outside S desgins; that we would go in together. Specifically. Outside. S designs.
I park and come around and of course no sign of my mum, my son or the mountain of bags. Assuming she went into S design, i rush in climb their three floors approximately 3 times in a vain search, finally give up and come outside panting and see her happily strolling out from the adjoining clothing store.

"Oooh! There was a lovely sale here! Look at the material i found! Lucky i went it!"
"Amma i asked you to wait outside! I was running around trying to find you!"
But my rolling eyes and gasping complaints were silenced by her quick disappearing act. She was already browsing through the stuff in S designs by the time i finished the first sentence. Ah well! Atleast she was in S designs.
It is 12 and we were still at S designs. My mum is ransacking their shelves for a special colour. She was looking for a purple that is not the colour of a brinjal or a plum. "Something in between she keeps saying" rummaging through their selection of purple material. "Is that all the purple you have?", "Show me some more", "Do you have this in georgette?" The questions go on and the staff begins to look more and more surly. Somehow her search from purple moves on to reds, blues, greens, yellows; infact every colour under the spectrum except purple. When one chimes on a store clock i am in absolute awe at all the sans purple material my mum has managed to dig out. I tug at her salwaar rather frantically telling her we have lots of work to do.
"Yes! Yes!" She says and shrugs me off, promptly moving to the sarees section. Lord knows for what though! I ask her the question and she goes on about how they would be functions AFTER the wedding for which she needed to prepared. After people, after!
By 2:00 pm, i managed to tear her from the store (no she didn't get the perfect purple) and shove her into Goodwill.
By this time my son has woken up and after a feed, starts crawling all over the place. I keep a steady jog ignoring the steely looks from ladies who i bump into and whose feet i stamp in the vain attempt to keep up with my son on an absolute hyper mode!
My mum shifts from earrings to necklaces to make up to bags to wigs (yes wigs! And though she had perfectly good hair, bought a hair piece that looked like the tail off a petrified squirrel! Inspite of the bickering she put her foot down and said she was going to wear it but on the wedding day, she could not find it. She never will. Not where my sister and me hid it on her! ;)) to bracelets to plastic flowers to lord knows what else at an equally hyperactive mode.
By 2:30, i literally screamed for food. "Feed me! Feed me!" I screamed! My son screamed along with me as it amused him so!
Without taking her eyes off a pair of glittering earrings, she asked me to grab a bite. When i ask her if she didn't want to eat, she didn't even hear me! I swear the essence that comes off clothing and accessory stores is purely what sustains her. I mean the woman goes a whole day without food or water while shopping. How is that even remotely possible???

Anyway so i eat at the speed of light (i usually eat at the speed of sound) and then ran up to see my mum still holding up and examining the SAME pair of earrings she was holding half an hour back. What? Heh? What in the world i ask her! And she says she is checking if the purple in the earrings is the same elusive purple she was hunting the world for. Oy ve!

At 4, we head on over to Milan. I sit in one corner my hair in my fists as my son makes tents out of the mountains of purple my mother pulls out of the stacks. A sales lady seeing my helpless situation, brings me a cup of coffee and a side of sympathy.   Again the rainbow charade happens when from purple my mum moves through a kaleidoscope of colours not one bit related to the wedding theme.
I am just about ready to book myself out when the miracle of the century happens! "They have nothing i want here" my announces annoyed and giving the sales people a hawk like look she sweeps out of the store. It takes me a while to register that we were done with material shopping for one day! I almost cried with happiness. Then i cried with utter disappointment! We still had Jewellery hunting to wrap up!
By 6, the burger in my tummy has said bye bye and the internal organs eagerly wait for a new friend to digest. I have tried on half the jewellery in the store and yet my mum does not find the exact one she is looking for (surprise!) What surprised me even more that even after hours of staring at bling non stop, she still has eagle eyes! (For eg: the 30° bend on one petal on the 16th flower in this necklace is off by one degree type eagle eyes!) I on the other hand was ready to do a Charles Ray for life.
By the time we get home, my mum is brimming with happiness and absolutely full from the thrill of the hunt. I felt kidnapped, tortured and starved. I drag myself home, bathe and feed my son, bath and feed myself and throw myself onto my bed for a night of complete blackout.
But no! In marches the hunter with another set of lists for tomorrow. I cried. 

Dear Daddy

An exclusive poem written for an order for Hall of Frame. Visit:    Hall of Frame  to see the final product.


This may seem surprising daddy
But did you know
Even before i could see you
I knew you so

I knew your voice
And your caress
As you showered mummy
With nothing but the best

When you sat beside me
And held mummy's hand
And talked and talked about me
Yes! All I did understand

To come out and see you
I couldn't have been more ready!
Lucky am i to be born
Your daughter dear daddy

When you made mummy smile
You made me smile too
When you hugged her tight
You hugged me too

On your birthday daddy
This is what i want to say
I am the happiest baby in the world
Whenever in your arms in lay

Dear Aarav

Dear Aarav

I often wonder about the kind of advice i would give you as you grow up. You have not even turned 2, yet here i am, your hyperventilating, OCD ridden mama already thinking about you in high school, college, working, getting married, having your own little ones and finally saying "mama! I get it now!" :)
What do i leave you with as you head toward your own? There are so many things i want to tell you my son.
I read today that besides being my little boy, you will some day become a husband and a father and that i as your mama have a crucial role play in your development for those roles. Of course juggling many roles does not come easy at all. So first and foremost, i ask you to be easy on yourself. It is OK to slip up. It is OK to make mistakes. What is NOT ok is for you to crucify yourself all your life for it. What is done is done. Pining about it does not help anyone. What you can do instead is work on improvement, closure and a promise to never repeat that mistake

Having said that, if your mind pauses for a moment before saying YES to something, be rest assured that it could be something wrong and you could be making a mistake. When your mind tells you to weigh your values, morales and humanity, you do just that and then decide. Take time with your decisions. Choosing a shirt, 10 minutes; but choosing your words? Choosing the love of your life? Choosing the right path? Take your own sweet time son. You can return the shirt but words, broken hearts and wrong doings are more in the non refundable/ non returnable section. So choose carefully.

Please make time to be happy. The world is competitive and yes, you will have to struggle to get to the top but let the clouds atop your throne not blind you from what really makes you happy. Take a little time out for that. Like fishing? Baking? Writing? Dancing? DO IT. Make time. Let the word "impossible" be scrubbed off your growing vocabulary because I know you can. Most importantly, more than me knowing you can, YOU need to understand that you can.

Be kind. Be gentle. Be giving. Be loving. Be humble. Be the one who puts others before himself. Be the boy who helps an old lady cross the road, the teen who helps his friends with difficult work, the man who treats an office boy with the same respect as a CEO, be the husband who makes his wife's eyes sparkle and be the father who is a hero to his child.  I can sum this up in two words. Be human.
Live with intergrity Aarav. Nothing else holds more value. Be true to yourself and never sell yourself out to make anybody else happy. Be a protector of righteousness and never, ever shun an opportunity to do the RIGHT THING.

Do not EVER pick on anyone. Every person is a miracle of god and not everyone is made the same. Someone may not be on the same lines as you physically, emotionally, mentally and that gives you absolutely no right to pick on them or bully them. What you can do is be there for them, make them feel good about themselves and help them hold their heads up high. Don't give into peer pressure. There is nothing more corrossive to developing your own. Do not let a single tear be shed on your account.

That special someone you will find along the way, treat that someone with respect. Be supportive, loving and caring. Spend quality time together. Spend quality time apart. Do not cheat. Be faithful and honest with your special half. And most importantly, TALK. Chuck away your phones and social media for a while each day and go old school. Talk about your day, talk about the future, talk about anything under the sun really. Enjoy intimacy; the feeling of togetherness both physically and emotionally. I said it before and i say it again...RESPECT your future partner.
And this little thing called respect is not specific to your future love; it goes for all men and women. Do not see those around you for their caste, colour, religious beliefs or sex. See them instead as coming from the same arms that of your maker. This thought will bring to mind the greatest feeling of equality.

And finally, the best advice i could leave you with. Pray. Aarav whenever you feel doubt, when you feel scared, when you feel lonely. Fold your hands, close your eyes and connect with your maker for a few minutes. Do not ever feel shame in proclaiming your faith. Bring to mind the fact that you are a mere speck in this leviathan universe that was created in utmost beauty. Indeed a  humbling a thought.

And now i concentrate on being only your mama and say that i love you so much my heart aches. When i saw you for the first time, your first smile, your first baby steps, your first word and so many more such delicious moments to come; each one made my heart skip a beat with absolute pride and joy. Each time i hug you and smell your sweet scent i am transported into a world of delight. When you snuggle into me my very soul smiles.

As you step out into the world, remember this letter my darling son and remember your mama who will cherish you for all eternity.

Love forever

Mama